Tuesday, May 31, 2011

uncle freddie's writing tips

"diarrhea.  humans like it"  said uncle freddie as i rolled my eyes.

"what are you talking about?  i'm late for my massage"

"they like it, sammy."

me: "they like it? are you sure?"

"they enjoy a bit of raunch, something odd, something that disturbs them.  it makes them laugh.  you do a comedy skit, throw in a mention of diarrhea, maybe vomit, it appeals to a certain demographic"

of course the conversation was taking place.  willing it to go away wasn't going to help.

"you know that doc on twitter, he tweets his homeopathic diarrhea remedies, sammy?  those are funny"

i smiled at the thought.  they were hard to resist.  an educated medical practitioner starts tweeting about diahrrea, i  want to make fun of his tweets, but proper etiquette  or sympathy hold me back.

there was some truth in here,  even typing this post got me laughing.   just the oddity of life ~ how two not so sane critters could carry on an intelligent mature conversation about  diarrhea.  the word conjures up something in all of us.

"i haven't had my coffee uncle freddie, can we change the subject?"

"this spanish ferret, didn't speak much english, she took me to see a movie over the weekend, full of disgusting humor - or what passes for humor.  you want some good  material, throw in the word diarrhea"

"you called this early to tell me to write about diarrhea, uncle freddie?"

"no, sammy you moron.  your mother wants you to call her.  i called to tell you to call your mother.  but don't forget the diahrrea.  humans like it"  and he hung up.

some days start off wierd.


follow sam on twitter http://twitter.com/samuel_clemons

Thursday, May 26, 2011

couple of real sweethearts

Wallace Bock and Irving M. Cansler have to be some of the nicest pet humans God ever created.  purely professionals, these two rate right up there with my uncle freddie...  the one who dates squirrels.

Wallace Bock and Irving Cansler from MSNBC
Seems the NY Prosecutor's Office is investigating why Wally and Irv were selling rich, diceased millionaire recluse Madam Clark's Stradivarius violin and expensive art works.

If you need a lawyer or accountant, Call  Wally and Irv.   A couple of real sweethearts.

Full Story:  http://www.nytimes.com/2011/05/25/nyregion/huguette-clark-recluse-heiress-dies-at-104.html/?pagewanted=1&_r=1

Follow Sam on Twitter:  http://twitter.com/samuel_clemons

Post Dedicated to the Funny, Witty, Sometimes Contemplatively Reflective @PiperBayard on Twitter  who writes about current events more than I do.  Check out her blog at http://piperbayard.wordpress.com/

Saturday, May 14, 2011

pilfering as art form

the bird and squirrel were raising a ruckus. not enough to spoil my mood mind you, as i strolled from my burrow to the school. teachers have an air about them.  a calm reticence maintains the composure of the entire class.  if the learned get ruffled, the students sense it immediately.

so it is with aunt kaye who teaches the kits proper  manners and napping techniques.  as i approached, i could hear her lilt through the tall grass, "hold your head up... that's right.  see kits,  proper pilfering is done best when the object is carried.  try not to snag items that have to be dragged, or pulled.  'carry' things back to your burrow."

Take all You Can Grab Boys!

oh was she good.  kaye knew her business.  wildly known in her younger days for pulling off the great sock caper of the decade.  two humans prone to bickering we called the "dysfunctional dickens" to this day fight over the missing socks kaye pilfered.  such pleasure and giggling they've given the ferret world listening to them blame each other.   in the ferret realm, kaye was famous and visiting her would often yield a morsel, a nugget of wisdom.   

as i entered the classroom a squeal went up, "sammmmmy!!!"  in stereophonic quadraphonic high definition ultra deluxe kit joy.  the room errupted into a bouncing spinning wrestling cacophony of energy, which wouldn't simmer down without a snack and a nap.

"what have i told you about interrupting my....."  her brief lecture cut off by me, which belied her own sparkling delight at seeing my grand entrance. 

"look at these new press photos Kaye"  i inserted the thumbdrive into her machine.

"oh you handsome famous critter, sam.  i will always be so proud of you and your adventures"

we enjoyed a moment looking at the slideshow.  thinking how smart and talented kaye was, and such a good teacher as well.  i got my memory stick out of the machine, and stood up to leave.   for her part she nibbled me, and sent me off.   the kits were still wrestling,  lesson interrupted.   any reason is a good reason for a spinny move.

making my way out only by the hardest, i couldn't resist demonstrating  a couple of new dance moves myself and tossing a few wiggles around.  i made it back to my burrow, thinking of how my twin masseuses were gonna love the new photos.  in my mindseye, i was hearing them squeal with delight~en stereo.

sitting down to call them, and invite them over, i fumbled for the memory stick.

it's odd.  i could have sworn i had that thumbdrive on me  .......


follow sam on twitter:  http://twitter.com/samuel_clemons

story dedicated to @grammakaye on twitter  and a shoutout to doc and falloutgrrl

photo credit to: dailyferret on blogspot and zagika 

PS:  this one figured she'd have to do some spring cleaning: 

Thursday, May 12, 2011

she was there she had hair

i tried to dispatch uncle freddie:  "sam you moron, this is my day by the swimmy pool" in his manic droll, "and besides, i've scheduled extra naps". the silence of his hanging up on me was typical. i can't think of a phone call from uncle freddie where he ever said goodbye.

left to interview the large humped, ruminant quadruped dromedary myself  i was on a tight timeframe.  little remained for me but the simple question.  it begged to be asked of it's own.  the whole world wanted to know:  "why did you eat the lady's hair?"
he never did answer the reporter's question, but my interrogation techniques are better than the U.S. military on a waterboard bender.

he said, "she was there. she had hair. i couldn't resist."

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

a critter by any other name

   "sammy, don't go through the flower pot today, please...."  pet humans are sooooo well trained these days.   before ceasar the pet whisperer, intelligent species like cats and dogs had a whale of a time training their humans.   life get's better.  i've gotten my pet to the point where if i tear up the flower pot, and fall asleep in the middle of my dirt pile, i get a snuggle, maybe a kiss.  then i watch interestedly as they clean it all up, all the while plotting my next adventure.

i wasn't planning any trips today.  i had to respond to tweets.  like this one:

leeannesavage:  Howz my lil rat doing? that from Tuscon's Ms. Popularity, and human hotty Leeanne Savage, Country Singer and #Mayan Listed above.  i helped with her campaign, and got the word out.

Now she knows I am not a rat, and ferrets were once great ratters.  we hunted rats.  we served in the navies of the world.  we went where cats and terriers could not reach, we were the best.  now we are all unemployed, errrr.. i mean we are all twitter consultants, and sit around and train humans. 

this just in from mary, my main detractor:  "Sam you seem sensitive about being called a rat"   

Me:  thanks mary, you are so perceptive.  may I call you frank?

my uncle freddie was once confused with and was briefly referred to a lil bear:

i can understand that, some ferrets have bear like markings, and the name is sumpin' cute.  this little baby is being raised by a chinese farmer who found him.

my aunt, also named uncle freddie was called lil lion, and i can see that designation as well: 

these three darlings were recently born in russia.  white lions.  now those are rare species.  almost as rare as a straight guy working retail at the mall.  

leeanne's tweet prompted a response

  sharbowers Sooo, I'm not the only 1 who thought he looked like a rat?! He never mentioned it.

see, again, the reference to a rat.  now, another uncle freddie was  named polar bear because when little, he was white, like me, and i can see the resemblance.  

these guys are being bottle fed by chinese zookeepers because their mom abandonded them.  

i have come to endure the rat references.  i can't really complain when people mess up or  make mistakes.   i fall asleep and don't even remember tearing up the flower pot.  i waken in a daze, or a dream ~ i'm in some far off land, and wouldn't know how to put the dirt back into the pot anyway.  someone should invent fake dirt. apparently, i've trained my human real well.  for all their mistakes, and all their faults, i still love em. 

snuggling is the best gig on earth if you can get it.   


follow sam on twitter at http://twitter.com/samuel_clemons

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

band of bandits

one can't decide whether to ally with raccoons.  at times they appear to be oh so cute, and they do  resemble a "bandit" ferret.   a mixture of Zorro and my Uncle Freddie can be conjured up.
it is disturbing that a band of raccoons has gotten itself into trouble in Chicago. 

seems they've gone to making headlines like:

                Ransacking Raccoons Hit Chicago Lakefront

almost sounds like Al Capone days to hear it put that way.  "Al Capone ransacks Big Eddy's Bar"  

of course the human reaction is a bit more heavy handed.  the Parks spokeslady has said that Chicago can't have this band of marauding wild raccoons scaring off the birds, squirrels,  and other "wildlife"  like foxes and coyotes; which up till now have apparantly lived for thousands of years in quiet harmony with the raccoons.

raccoons carry roundworm, which humans don't want to catch, although not one reported case of roundworm has been discovered from this raccoon invasion!  and they are apparently getting into some boats when nobody is around.  yep, God forbid they get into a rich person's boat.  gas being so high, of course there are lots of boats tied up at docks right now, and we can't have raccoons in the boats now can we?

the raccoons aren't exactly roaming the streets of downtown Chicago either, they are "Ransacking" the Park, the Waterfront, where the birds and squirrels have all been scared off, supposedly.

the troglodyte reaction by the Parks Department sadly plays out like like Al Capone himself would have handled it.  the pesky raccoons have all been rounded up and euthanized, instead of being released into the wild. 

now, i am sure i'll hear the stories about the time the raccoon got in the attic, and had babies, and the time the raccoon got into the barn and tore up the garbage... but humans out there, remember, they were here first. 

and Chicago?  shame on you, and shame on you Parks Department. band of marauding ransacking raccoons indeed.

Orig Story By Chicago Sun-Times  posted on MSN 1 Hour Ago: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/42874378/ns/us_news-life


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