Saturday, January 29, 2011

turn blizzards into chalet brunch

when life hands you raw hamburger, call it pate'

well that's what milerd filmore said, or was that dr. spock? no it was grover from sesame street. well whoever said it never ate pate' ...highly overrated.

this just in:  ann from ann arbor: "sam, if this is one of those stories where you get off on tangents, then i'm gonna have to get a cup of coffee"  me:  ann, make mine sweet, unlike you.

well whoever said it, also said:

           "turn problems into profits"   and the equally famous saying,
           "when life hands you lemons, make Long Island Iced Teas"

obviously, Piper and Bella heard these axioms, because they set out to turn things around.  

a two day blizzard had cast a pale over my already dwindling supply of sunshine.  the power was out, fallen trees in roadways were causing complete and utter chaos, people were without power, and i was forced to sit down and write.  my somber mood could not have been more disinclined to put paper to pen.  i had heard of the passing of TracyLynnP  via twitter, and well with no laptop, i was forced to write long paw. 

who does mother nature think she is, anyway?  UKProgressive had written to me to cheer me up:  "ferrets are forever childlike" and i took those words to heart.

ann again:  "sam, i'm on my second cup, get on with the story"

ann, when i don't want to make changes in my life, do not wish to face the truth, i should do what other mature species do: unfollow and block you.

humans can get depressed, moody, cranky, bi polar, we ferrets rarely do.  well, i guess some ferrets can get bi polar, my uncle freddie drinks pretty steady - he tries to make sense out of life by delivering snuggles while simultaneously contemplating the odds that he can steal your socks. 

i received a text from my publicist, Bella.  "Sam, Piper and I are taking you skiing"

only half way through a manic frenzied outfit selection process did the thought dawn on me:  she hadn't asked me, she basically told me.  like i had no choice in this.

i went with the navy cashmere scarf which sets off my white fur nicely.  headset and goggles loosely hanging round my neck cast that  nonchalant "imma rugged yet casual mountaineering type ferret" look.

some things are certain: death, taxes, and i dress appropriately

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

twitter made tracy laugh

the universe had me switch to night blog posts completely contrary to my patterns, schedule or habits, and i couldn't figure that out

     until now

     less than an hour or so ago, Tracy, my inspiration for being funny passed away after suffering from brain cancer.

     late one night, as she struggled a few months back, she told me this would be her last Christmas, and she planned to make the most of it.  i knew that when i commented on her holiday blog post.  i  tried to be funny, and i genuinely think she enjoyed my story.  she had been hottubbing, and i told her a story about my uncle freddie and how i stole his french maid, or maybe it was the one about the adventure i'd gotten myself into?  

     ours was a complex and yet simple relationship,  what we had was truly, truly a miracle.

     each night, i would fire off my comments, and she told me that even if she didn't say anything, or mention it, she'd look for my tweets because they always made her laugh.

    "Don't you dare stop Sam!" she tweeted one night when i was feeling discouraged, depressed, whatever i was feeling down about was nothing compared to what Tracy faced, and yet she was about to inspire me with words that have changed my life:

    "Helping people laugh is a noble profession, Sam.  Don't let anyone tell you different.  Don't you ever stop making people laugh."

     months later when i tried to explain that to a few folks, she told me not to get all soft on her.   i could sense that  she wanted me to keep up the humor, she needed it, she craved that giggle, the tease, the sarcasm, it was an outlet, a method of coping, her Spiritual Medication.  she wouldn't let me mention the end, and i didn't - that was not the role she had selected for me, i was not her nurse, i was her sarcastic funny furry ferret

     Tracy wouldn't let me be morose, she needed me to keep on going, and not quit, so strong was her Spirit, that even if i didn't know if she was awake or even online, i tweeted each time as if she were watching, reading, looking for that laughter in her day or evening.  i've been staying up the last few nights late, and tweeting to her at all hours in case she woke up and needed a diversion

     even her very last communication to me was poignant - the "noble" theme she was sent by God to instill in me -  Tracy was being powerful, beyond what any human on earth can concieve from her simple words other than me, but they are so pure and good, that it is hard to express here:

     i had kidded that i was Oprah's long lost sibling, and Tracy wrote:

            you know oprah is queen of the world..right? 
            so that makes    you...Prince??? lol

    Tracy blogged, too, she told her story, she explained everything, she lured you in with pure honesty, and you were compelled to learn her story. but Tracy loved the pace and humor of  twitter.  that is why she connected, and stayed connected to me, because she wanted to go out laughing.  

     somewhere in heaven right now, she and her Lord are having a great big laugh over me digging my way to China, and falling asleep on the job, and making a fool of myself most days on Twitter, where it's ok to laugh, and we should remember to make each other laugh.  that is why she enjoyed it so much,

     twitter made Tracy laugh  

                                         Tracy,  God Bless You in Heaven


Monday, January 24, 2011

squirrels are nuts

i've switched my blog posts the last couple of days to evenings, and the schedule sucks, a ferret likes to get out of a morn, and get the important stuff outa the way, steal a few vital items, hide em under the sofa, drive the household insane looking for the car keys, then give a cute innocent wiggle all the way back to the cage and nap it all off

so tonight, since i spent some quality time commenting on other's blogs, that qualifies in my mind as a blog post, nothing manic mind you, just a comment on a subject dear to my heart from  by Fallen Angel ..her first post (she's outpacing me) was about "specie profiling".  many fine comments by the way, feel free to leave one.  I have taken my comment from her blog and considered that my daily post hereto,  to wit:

finally, OMG that windbag, ProNet shut up!! has to get all philosophical, logical, and stuff, jeesh. like if these idiots who judge each other were logical, they'd invest some time in thinking of ways to help other werewolves, maybe get dracula a break or somethin. why just the other day.....

my uncle freddie spotted a cute squirrel out on the front lawn, but he didn't really understand she was a squirrel, he saw a wiggle, a furry tail, he was thinkin, now that's a mighty fine tail.. which of course it was, but it was a squirrel! squirrels are wild, and kinda nuts ... the women squirrels, always chattering, and they eat like slobs, dropping pieces of acorns all over the place. simply put, ferrets don't like squirrels, and we just don't really know any squirrels, so it makes sense we aren't going to like them, so why bother fraternizing with them?

well uncle freddie just cast a glance my way upon recognition, and started for the door, knowing full well at the moment that she was indeed a wild, nut eating squirrel..

i looked out the window, and observed him in action, his paw gestured to our burrow, and before i knew it, he was introducing me to our neighbor. a squirrel!! first one i'd met, and in my burrow!!
her name was gabby, she didn't stop carryin' on, and i was delighted at making a second pot o' tea.

uncle freddie sure is a charmer 


just a little funny vid unrelated to this story

Sunday, January 23, 2011

royal pie

i was sitting at my writing desk in my goggles and headgear, chewing a pencil.

the whirlwind that blew excited my paws

sitting down to watch the game, and fire up "my twitter" it started out encouragingly enough  @falloutgrrl wished me a snuggle wiggle, i'm a sucker for those

immediately i was presented by my publicist @askbellawagner that the little brat, @samdaferret had bet against her and wagered his allowance on the Bears;  the hectic encouragement to use my magic powers on Green Bay was not needed, as it looks like DaFerret has worn the wrong cap again

then i was informed that arnold wanted to buy the throne of california by @dirtygarnet editor of a newspaper by the same name,  yea, that's right the dirty garnet.

i was mid tweet when screenwriter, @musinks appeared on the roulette wheel we call twitter, and informed me it was national pie day.  this of course sent me into manic mode.

in the midst of spewing endless anecdotes, i was given such helpful tips as:  @MouseRoar "I have blueberry coffee to go with your pie"

and this lovely tip:  @NoSpankYou  Sam, mental note:  do not take anything from @darksideintern that is covered with chocolate    

hyperspaz already, my goggles were beginning to fog up, as the tears of laughter  and giggles erupted,  wiggling at my desk, folded over in glee 

i needed that laugh, for just then,  alice @worldsbarsgurl  showed up, and seduced me into a screaming match, which means loud noises and displays of affection usually across and in front of the entire planet

and in all that, i'd forgotten that Garnet was still waiting, probably swilling booze, developing ways to torment the next PM  i tossed him the following drivel:

   Look Arnold can't afford new laws to become President, @DirtyGarnet so he'll just have to purchase a Throne

  so all arnold ended up with after all that was my sarcasm, he shoulda offered me a part in his next movie

Saturday, January 22, 2011


    a ferret can get into any concert, and if not napping, have a good time!   this gal can sing, smooooove and silky... download one of these mp3 clips, and do something hip...

                                  Click Here!    The ArchAndroid

Friday, January 21, 2011


i was so excited, i'd seen china on the history channel, a big dam was being built, the largest in the world!  then i saw the white house was entertaining the chinese president, and there were pandas.. pandas! i had to go to china.

i was gonna' go  first class, spare no expenses, i was going to travel to china in style......right through the flower pot

now my burrow mates were ok with this, but they didn't want to participate, with barely a goodbye, and "see ya" it happened all so quickly

i was diggin' and diggin' and was going to get there, when the potted tree fell out, and all over the floor.  half way through my trip, i got tuckered out, my energy petered out, and  that's where they saw me

my pet human found me asleep in a big pile of dirt, curled up, in the biggest mess they'd ever seen.  the human trip was only a day and half, and in that time i'd dug half way to china

i got picked up, and whisked off to my hammock with a snuggle and kiss...  i'll have to start all over again one day

Janelle Monae    The ArchAndroid   Really Cool if you want hip, buy this

Thursday, January 20, 2011

rocky the maltese

i have nothing against dogs.  i don't fear them, they are curious about me.  hard to think of the last time i jumped on a dog's back to teach them some smoove moves and the dog didn't get completely unglued.  it is so unfair.

nobody told me the dogs don't want to learn to dance.

like this story:  rocky the singing maltese  my uncle freddie has been dispatched to the scene, so we can get interviews with the participants, and to the truth...  just to show i am  impartial, and an "equal specie" neutral journalist/editor type, i bring you the story of

Rocky the Singing Maltese

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the rare, endangered black footed ferret by National Geographic

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

change is gonna do ya good

blame is diametrically opposed to change.  if i can blame someone else for anything, doesn't matter what it is, than i do not have to examine myself.  while the attention is on logic, reason, explanations, curiosity, and the myriad rationalizations, then there is no self examination.  i have all the answers i need, i've blamed someone else, i have nothing wrong with me.

spiritual growth doesn't work like that.  i have to make progress every day on how i can help others, how i can make a difference in someone's life, no not like the videographer who discovered homeless voice over guy, not by contributing millions of dollars to starving people overseas. 

helping other's is not about being a busy body, having all the answers, or giving away my stuff, although that is certainly possible

i can help other's best by looking at myself first, and becoming grateful for what i have and focusing on what i need to do to stay happy today

if i can turn bad moments into good; if i can stay focused on serenity when the world around me is going crazy, then i can be of the most good to others.

so i ask myself, what can i do to improve this moment?  how can i be happy in this terrible instance of stress?

and i avoid the blame game


Audubon, May-June 2009-Black-Footed Ferret on cover. Photo Gallery:Zooming In On Endangered Species.

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Tuesday, January 18, 2011

not postponed, just forgotten

i hadn't really been putting off this post, just forgot about it. thus my resolution to myself is intact  

the wooly mammoth is coming back, a dog named chico almost got eaten by a drunk owl, regis philbin announced his retirement, @stephenthomas15 posted some new jokes on his blog; twitter alerts keep going off on my timeline showing that ferrets have taken over twitter's microphone, an ice storm afflicted the normal web and flow, and i forgot to follow people back

got so excited i took a nap

Monday, January 17, 2011


laughter is a medicine. scientists don't know why it works, it just does. more research is needed.  ferrets have been entertaining humans for thousands of years.  hearken back to the first encounter:

    man:  ug ( translates to,  look, a little white curious creature over on the edge of the tribe's campfire, looking at us )

   uncle freddie:  "this guy's a moron"

   man:  ug ug  ( maybe it's friendly )

   uncle freddie:  "ok, everybody, let's show em what we got"

the ferrets broke  into their cabaret number, entertained the humans a bit.  one ferret got picked up, and gave the human a nosy snuggle. another stole shiny little objects which lay around, and they all disappeared happily back to their burrow, split the loot, and took a nap

this was repeated over, and over, the humans kept losing their stuff, the ferrets kept entertaining the humans and making them laugh

funny how it's all worked out so well, and for so long - millennia.  no matter how much the humans lost, they knew the benefits were greater than the costs.  at some point, a tribal meeting must have occurred

     man:  ug ug ug ( we keep losing all our stuff, those critters come in here, dance, and entertain us, and while we are laughing they steal all our good junk )

    man's wife:  but they do it so happily, and they make me laugh

    man:  ug


I'd Rather Laugh: How to be Happy Even When Life Has Other Plans forYou

Laugh Yourself Healthy

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Sunday, January 16, 2011


i've discussed before that if the world would but get a BFF button in circulation, and use it regularly, this will save the planet from itself   

heady stuff.  imagine, me carrying around the secret to saving the world in my head all this time, and what fool let me in on it?

well, now i have a confession, and this is totally serious - i am letting this one out late at night, on a sunday, so the mainstream press doesn't pick up on it...

ferrets are the mayans, and we've been watching the human race for 10,000 years, trying to see if you get it, which you don't, and so we've made a deal that if you get the BFF button, and use it, we won't send for reinforcements... that's it, that's the secret, the mayans are really ferrets, and we have tons of money to control the planet, and corner the market on poptarts.

please do not disclose these secrets to the press, as they may question me; and then all the ferrets will get snuggles and treated like royalty, and we are already rather spoiled rotten, unemployed as we are... i am not up for humans questioning me,  besides 

even if they don't question me; they'll certainly question your sanity

Saturday, January 15, 2011

fallen angel

ok, you CAN FOLLOW anyone on blogspot on the right, you'll see "FOLLOW" which is NOT like Twitter, you won't see anything, nothing will happen, it's largely symbolic, however, if you are a blogger, in blogspot, you can surf through all the recent posts quickly, and see the headlines, sorta like looking at the morning paper.

i have been battling twitter today, my laptop overheats, and using New Twitter has been a chore, so I am opting out for the easy route:  blog up.

a funny writer, who like me, occasionally get's sidetracked by serious subjects, @NoSpankYou or "Fallen Angel" on Twitter has mentioned a certain ferret in her post, so there you have it, editor's prerogative: 

Blog Post by the Fallen Angel

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<----  fallen angel artwork on amazon
            5 Left

Friday, January 14, 2011

shortest blog post ever written

alot of writers blog on weekends, so here you go,  some quick tips on blogs:

   * use brevity..  you may be my best buddy on Facebook, but i won't finish reading your blog entry if i scroll below the fold, and see you did a "feature" spread for the NYT.

   * tell a story:  ppl remember stories, more than the point you are trying to convey in straight terms.... so if you want them to remember you, tell them a story

   * give your characters quirks, foibles, make them imperfect, do not be afraid to make them  completely, absolutely WRONG... they can't always be right

   * entertain with each word, make each one count, and start cutting down, edit for brevity, constantly be shortening (practice by shortening your tweets) your sentences,  your paragraphs? shorten them,  your page? cut it in half.

   * each sentence should be able to stand alone, without any support from adjoining sentences, and mean something, tell it's own mini story 

     on that note, i am going to write a short, entertaining story...

  i tweet at @Samuel_Clemons

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Thursday, January 13, 2011

how to dig out this winter

i put on my ferret headset, and started my morning routine, the goal to steal a poptart where they are on the counter, i didn't even bother to nibble a hole in the corner, i just snagged the package, wrapper and all, and hauled it under the sofa. it'll stay there for a month, maybe six; still be good, the half life of uranium, i'm sure. i was feeling good, got the business end of morning taken care of, i hadn't danced, but things were going well.  the door bell rang.

i had asked a neighbor pup or two over here to clear the snow from around my burrow, dig a path to the mailbox; i was waiting on a new set of goggles to go with my headset

the two at the door certainly were not the neighbor pups, two busybodies more like it.  for standing there in the snow, obviously, doing their God's honest best not to isolate were two women, two gorgeous ladies.  smiling the warmest brightest smiles at me, so that i tossed my headset and smoothed my shiny coat absently, while flashing my dashing best.

one @piperbayard was holding a coin belt get up, for belly dancing.  now i am a dancer, a great dancer, but i haven't tried belly dancing, and this weird vision of myself took hold:  a handsome, good lookin hunk a ferret wearing a belly dancing coin belt and scarf combination... 

thank God that vision only lasted so long,  and i looked at the other good looker, @askbellawagner holding a Red Cashmere scarf, feeling like J Peterman on Seinfeld, i have to get on with this blog post.

i thought they made a pretty convincing pair, whatever they were up to.

they didn't keep me waiting: "hi" said @piperbayard "i'm a belly dancing attorney" then "and i'm your new publicist" said @askbellawagner

we heard the ruckus.  laughing and jumping, frolicking through the snow, the herd of ferret pups ready to dig me out; their excitement infectious, wiggling and jumping over each other as they got distracted three times per bounce.  such a commotion had never been witnessed by these two gorgeous ladies, and before i could even ask them in, they handed me the coin belt and red scarf, and turned toward my diggers.

and those two ladies could work, and still have fun!  laughing with the little critters and working their way to my mailbox was quite a sight.  no strangers to "digging right in" i don't know who had the most fun, but i had tea brewing...

it was gonna be an interesting day

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

cold weather tips

you could take the time to read my blog while snowed in, you might find nuggets of wisdom and experience, but I seriously doubt it.   i have compiled the most useless and vitally meaningless tips i could find:

  * do not go looking for yellow snow just so you can make stupid jokes

  * get drunk and pass out in snow banks to gain a little local notoriety

  * show up on your neighbor's steps with board games and a six pack to fight isolation

  * test your snowy weather skills and grandpa's snow shoes, get lost in the blinding white blasts, so that the local authorities have to send out a search party, and when they find you, just explain that you were bored

  * tweet and drink the entire time, get a few things off your chest

  * try to contact all your old friends, and in your lonely depression, write long winded eMails and DM's and make them think you have gone insane, they may actually get back to you out of pity 

  * convince yourself you are helping the economy by shopping online and won't stop until someone comes and digs you out

Ralph Waldo Emerson's "The Snowstorm",  John Greenleaf Whittier's "Snowbound" and James Russell Lowell's "The First Snowfall" are all reactions to a snowstorm.  They use different imagery and language.   They were in different snowstorms.

100 Mistakes that Changed History: Backfires and Blunders That Collapsed Empires, Crashed Economies, and Altered the Course of Our World

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Tuesday, January 11, 2011

more winter weather

there's something about a sledding ferret conjured up in your head; something you have to see to believe.  the camera guy has to get the angle just right, lay down in the snow, and then as i come thrashing down the hill, snow spraying all around me, all the poor guy get's is a set of black eyes coming at him with a look of irrepressible glee...  all that time spent, and all the fella' get's are two little eyes coming at him at breakneck speed.   something struck me of a sudden that this time around, i'd wear my goggles and headset combination.  sure a scarf would be easier, but oh so mundane and practical

i had to send my GI Joe headset to japan and let the nano scientists work on them, and implant some real speakers in the headset, get  a microphone installed that  worked, i don't know how GI Joe and Barbie get by with all that fake plastic stuff, but a ferret generally needs authentic boy toys, or we steal human stuff and hide it under the sofa

now, regular readers know everyone in my family is named Uncle Freddie, even my aunts.  so i had to take the whole group of little freddies out sledding, and got the usual questions:

  "Sam, do you need a headset to go sledding?"  and "Who will you be talking to anyway?"  little freddies are inquisitive, and a cacophony of noise, chatter, a chorus of curiosity and hyper active energy abounded all in a flourish of excitement, none of them doubting for a moment that the fun would not stop, the joy of life so powerful, the clatter they made - simply electric. 

no answer of course.  nothing says i know all and have a hidden agenda like ignoring the question... and  nothing that a hug, snuggle and a slight unspoken head nod doesn't hurt,  just smile and get those little ones up the hill...

   useless the headset may be, nobody would be on the other end, even i can get outa my lair long enough to go sledding.  no i  wouldn't need to be in touch with my assistants, tax attorney, or even my masseuse in the french maid outfit.

    the GI Joe Headset with the 1,000 dollar earpiece implants were not turned on

    but  looked really cool 

Another Post:  Winter Weather 

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Monday, January 10, 2011

it's a living

this just in: Sam, if everyone in your family is named Uncle Freddie, why do they call you Sam Clemons? Me: i have gray whiskers.

so, since every single ferret on the planet is named uncle freddie, here's one called skat man, sent in by Falloutgrrl on twitter.


now, we can't really roar, we have pr ppl around the clock trying to give us fancy dubbed over voices... actually, when we speak to people, they freak out, so the Great Pop Tart in the sky has deemed us to keep pretty quiet about what we know.  just remember, with a secret plan to take over the planet, next time you hear of a ferret, we don't really roar, and our snuggles may just be an attempt at manipulation.  hey, we steal stuff, and can't help it, it's what we do.

steal, snuggle, steal, snuggle...  it's a good life if you can get away with it

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what's he saying?

ok,  these two characters are playing, but the one doing the superhero leap seems to be caught by the photographer in the middle of making a snide comment or what would he be saying?  feel free to comment on this photo with your thoughts:

this gives me a chance to try out the new comment settings.  be sure to read my other recent blog post below on Winter Weather. s COMMENT section is hard to find, it's a little tiny 'see comment' hyperlink below each post 

winter weather

  i took a trip through the south once trying to beat the snow.  i made it through chattanooga, and kept going.  i was passing alabama state troopers who'd never driven in the snow, i kept up the pace.  but even me, who has driven aplenty in the white stuff, eventually had to pull over, and take a room at the Birmingham Hilton.   the power went out, we were eating our buffet style menu for three days by sterno and candlelight.

  the official announcement was as inexperienced and bewildering as the response itself.  the governor alerted the National Guard to stay home.  yep.  brilliant.  his reasoning was that it would be "better to wait until the snow stops to venture out"  this to a bunch of guys with trucks, and equipment.  now, given that the governor had no experience, you'd think i could forgive the idiot, but exactly what cart did he fall off to come up with: 'stay home till it get's worse' theory? 

  needless to say, my experience, and the upcoming storm sweeping the south from arkansas to georgia are related somehow.  i just can't get over the lack of any response whosoever.  it's like collective "do nothingness"

 so rather than making stupid announcements about subjects of which they know nothing, i am encouraging the authorities this snow storm to make honest announcements, something like:

    we have no experience with this kind of thing, so we are not making any stupid announcements,  we don't want any ferret investigations down here.  we have our hands full with the blackbirds.  that is all, return to Oprah

Sunday, January 9, 2011

rescue ferrets at sea

from Richard Bach author "Jonathan Livingston Seagull"  the adventures of sea going ferrets for your Kindle!

my sunday worst

tapping his foot impatiently, slightly nodding his head, looking at me with that anxiety ridden expression, Uncle Freddie.  sitting in his GI Joe hummer, all decked out for church, as if i am making him late.  why is it that no matter who's fault it is,  i feel like i am making the ferret late?

"sammy get in, how's your mother?"  i was still a young ferret, so climbing up into a hummer in my sunday best was a bit of a chore

"i said how's your mother?  not in the mood today, sammy?" uncle freddie said as he kicked up gravel, squealed the tires and drove off like he was mario anfretti.

"somethings brewing, percolatin' in that head a yours, son, i know it, you  gonna be good in sunday school, sammy, or will i hear about you from your teacher?"

maybe i do specialize in being difficult, but so doesn't everyone?  "why do you even bother going to church, uncle freddie?  you gallivant all over town in your Hummer, wear flashy clothes, you nap with different ferrets every day, why do you even go to church?  you of all people, why bother?" and i didn't know if i meant to sting him, but that stung, at least a bit. 

"sammy my boy, you've always been able to tell it like it is..." as he wheeled in,  manic hyper spaz Uncle Freddie, and i climbed out and started for the door

he put his arm around me, and held me close, as we walked in - for all his faults in spite of mine - he made me feel loved. 

Saturday, January 8, 2011

everybody's got one

research shows kids born in 2011 won't know what CD's are, what it's like to go to!!! take away my starbucks and traffic jams, but not blockbuster... apparantly society is banking on the cell phone being around for awhile, the world is truly going over to the ubiquitous device in a big way.  there are like 1.5 billion pc's on earth, but 5 billion cell phones.

the only people left on the planet without cell phones are two cannibals in the amazon delta, and they are just waiting for a floating cell tower

this week a lady can literally say her cell phone saved her life: not by making a phone call to 911,  not because she was able to make an appointment at Raul's Hair Salon, a true emergency.  this lady's cell phone stopped a bullet from a would be mugger/sociopath murderer type.

and there were two ladies released from prison in mississippi friday who'd been locked up 16 years.  they were so impressed with cell phone technology they immediately asked to download an application for welfare benefits. a hallmark moment if ever there was one.

it is rumored that on thursday, a teenager actually used a cell phone to make a phone call!  we have ferrets investigating that rumor, more news at 11.

Friday, January 7, 2011

#followfriday excellence

  been a great day! lots of mentions, at least 400 by my count, roughly.  managing the entire process is quite a challenge, well, for a human, us ferrets take it all in grace, don't we?  fall off the sofa dancing too much? no problems, just act like nothing happened, keep dancing.

  a bit annoying is the fact that whether you have 200 ppl following you, or 100,000 is that twitter jail exists, which is code speak for getting suspended.  now, it is probably not good PR for twitter to toss a ferret in jail.  that makes no sense.  but i've seen them toss some pretty decent characters in jail, bugs bunny, retired people, music accounts, they don't care. 

  the point is i am right at about 189 tweets, maybe a few more, or less, i didn't count exactly, but i was close, and i have no way of knowing what they consider "too many"  or when they started counting anyway, the idea is to be cognizant of the fact, and not get suspended. 

  if i get my little paws typing too fast in the past, i just give it a rest, and watch the cat, who gets annoyed, and she shuffles off into the other room.  then i look at the dog, who doesn't even wait to get annoyed, he runs off in complete, total abject fear.  still can't figure out what his problem is, the wimp.  all i ever did was take a flying leap at him when he was sleeping, and danced on his back, he hasn't been the same since. 

   this just in: "sam, your long windedness at times is enough to make the most loyal reader cringe, you get way off track."  that from tommy in westchester, conn.  thanks for that tommy, you're mentioning loyal readers like that really brought out the nap in me. 

   so, having taken a break from tweeting, i decided to follow a few more people since i was at this whole #ff #followfriday experiment with such intensity.  so, being the scrappy critter, i did what anyone would do at 11pm at night, i followed a couple of hundred people in australia.  which didn't work out that well: a. they are all outside getting sunburned and b.  it's freakin saturday!

   then i hit twitter's 'follow' limit - which they say is 1,000 per day, and i can't believe that was the actual number i followed, but let's say i did.  no problem, i'll dump some ppl from last week who've already judged me, condemned me, don't like me, or are otherwise just idiots, and move on....

  not so easy.  tweepi, the tool i use for that, which is free, and excellent for dumping, cause i can go to the last page and "flush"... well tweepi is i am stuck writing in this blog about twitter rather than getting anything done on twitter

   and there you have it, the moral of the story:  i made a resolution to write everyday, and i have kept it.  we lead by example, we don't expect someone else to always be the example, although that's ok.  we have to be an example to ourselves, to have a level of excellence and character that we live up to, because we have determined that is what we will do. 

   i could have just let yesterday's  two blog entries cover me, and might have slept well with that.... but if I write two on thursday, that's cheating, and who am i kidding but myself?

   here's to and cheers to excellence. 

Thursday, January 6, 2011

#followfriday #ff Read Dis

i like the #FF in front of my name, so use it, call it an addiction. i have my cute little meter over on the right, and it's pointed out in this blog in earlier entries that i am not really dead last for #followfriday (properly hashtagged) but a ferret can dream can't he? i think i'm 66th this last week in the world, not too bad for a freakin ferret

sam's quick tips for #ff  #followfriday:

   1.  start early to avoid twitter crashes, wed or thursday is fine

   2.  start following wed and thursday, so ppl will follow you back and reciprocate i'll follow as few as 200 new ppl, as many as 500 since they won't all follow back, i go from list to list of ppl i like ie: writers, artists, musicians, and  follow 100 from each type, and then move on till i have a good sampling

   3.  don't try to mention every single person that follows you back on friday, you won't be able to mention everyone without going to twitter jail (suspension)

   4.  where you are group mentioned?  cut and paste everyone's name into a tweet, and RT it, so the other endusers know you are doing it, the RT Button may or not be checked by any of them.  so when you cut/paste the RT then you take a little more time, but it's much more productive in the long run

   5.  basically i'm saying flat out, i do not like the RT button, at all for alot of reasons, and i tend to completely lift the tweet out of the time line with cut/paste, and NEVER use the RT button, unless i am gratuitously doing someone a favor which is what i do sometimes when i am feeling lovely and awesome, and a really nice ferret, which aint often

   6.  you can group mention people by category, if you have ten writers the group hug concept works well, 6 bloggers on blogspot? maybe lump them into a group tweet, and put the #FF in front - 7 lawyers? maybe you can take them out and....  oh wrong bar, sorry

   7.  always put  #followfriday @Samuel_Clemons  in front of all your tweets, and make a ferret happy!!

     I will love you and snuggle up, and if you are good to me, i'll climb up on your shoulder, and let you carry me around like that,  will balance up there nicely, and get a good view of the world from a better vantage point...  right next to your ear.   God Bless Your #FF  wiggle wiggle

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homeless radio voice guy

it's ok to be manipulated by the press, by politicians, by momentum, by inertia, by sex, it's an everyday thing to be manipulated by advertising.  madison avenue spends billions getting us to buy things without us thinking we are being manipulated.  so called "internet marketers" specialize in selling products to other internet marketers-who by the way, acknowledge they enjoy being manipulated by each other, indeed thrive on it.

but the viral video yesterday of homeless voice over guy has to be the greatest mass manipulation by a videographer and his subject matter to date.  when i posted a retweet of the guy's voice, i just thought he had a really great speaking voice, and thought:  "this is cool"  at that point there were approximately 100,000 hits on  by lunch this was up to 4.5 million, as of this morning, thursday, less than 24 hours since it was posted, the link has 11 million! 

now, the manipulation wasn't so much that the video went viral, i think alot of people were just like me, we were astonished, absolutely astonished at this guy's speaking voice, to wit:

(Video Removed from Internet as fast as it came on)

i was not the only one impressed with this voice, as in fact homeless radio voice guy knew full well he was talented.  i am even more impressed by the ferocity and intensity and SPEED of this manipulation.  it doesn't hurt that the homeless guy was discovered by a do gooder video guy who works in the press, who had a youtube account, awesome equipment, and apparently, didn't mind if he stopped at a greenlight, and pissed off the cars behind him... everything all just coincidence? right? 

we have just come off the holidays, we all want a feel good story to brighten our day, we want horatio alger to make it.  i am sure the video guy just wanted to help another human being, but was that his job in the world to manipulate us all using the position as reporter and member of the "professional" journalism corp to get this guy a job, and a plane ticket to NYC to visit his mother?  did anyone stop to think maybe she didn't want a visit? she never sent him a ticket.

i venture there is a bit more to this story than meets the eye, and we have not heard the last of homeless guy by any stretch.  drug addiction and alcohol problems aside, this guy has issues, homelessness doesn't just occur, it's a process for some people, and often they are recluses from society for a reason.

for now, let's be happy he is getting his second chance, and that some video producer who didn't bother to do any background check, or get him psychological evaluations gave him a shot.

maybe the intensity and ferocity of this whirlwind was not what the doctor ordered?

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

too lame to write

all these resolutions mean nothing to a ferreet.  i make em so i can break em on purpose.  here's a post from Piper Bayard, belly dancer, necromancer, you name it, she does it, i'm feeling under the  cumulus clouds today, so i am taking the lame way out...linking to a better blog than mine

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

i call women sweetie, they wink at me, and call me baby

"ok, did you call her sweetcakes, or sweetie, or sweettooth, we are getting to the bottom of this.." 

Why don’t you leave this to the boys, sweetcakes.”  was how The Yard Barker has the story going down.

but Fox Sports tells it like this:  "Listen to me, sweet baby, let me tell you something," Sports Announcer Ron Franklin reportedly told Jeannine Edwards.

having the world's largest network of special reporters, well connected, probing, and willing to ferret out the truth, i called my uncle freddie, who weighed in immediately with his take on the subject.

"Sammy is that you..  Are you still a moron?  Yea, I got the details,  she is denying ever being called sweetcakes, which she finds offensive, demeaning, and completely out of line. She insists she was called sweetie, which she kinda liked, cause she aint no sweetie.... But I got the scoop on the really big story, here Sammy, this is gonna be good, I can't wait to call my Editor, and get this to print right away, so how's your mother?" 

I knew my uncle freddie must have something really big, so i mumbled something about my mother vacationing in miami, taking her pet humans to the beach, but it being cold.... "Sammy, I could care less about your mother, I was just kidding around, you're still a moron, just like i thought...Here's the scoop... that Jeannine Edwards... Oh this is good, gonna bust this story wide open, I tell you... That Edwards broad?  She wears contacts!!  I gotta go Sammy.  Quit bein such a maroon, huh kid?"

We can make alot of choices in life, but we can't choose our family.  

Monday, January 3, 2011

blackbirds dying in the dead of night

'I've been to Iraq and back and not seen nothing like this,' resident of Ark. town says

.   This double negative by a man who's seen it all, but nothing like this.

    There are kids and pets and all manner of living creatures out there in the little town of Beebe, Arkansas, and I suspect none of them have never seen nothing quite like it.
    Speculation abounds as to why 2,000 redwinged blackbirds have fallen out of the sky.  One of the more interesting theories is that local kids were shooting off fireworks, and "scared the blackbirds" and apparently gave them all heart attacks.  

    Reminiscent of the Dustin Hoffman movie, "Outbreak" or creepy episodes of The Outer Limits, obviously, the government would rather put out the old "there is nothing to worry about" propaganda on this one.  Workers from the EPA were walking around Beebe in their white decontamination suits, yet the EPA has stated emphatically, the locals have nothing to fear. 

    My uncle freddie didn't need to snoop around, he quickly put two and two together to get 7, a prime number, and has it figured out.

    He sees it as apocolyptic warning sign of the end times.  He knew a couple of Mayans that have visited earth a few months back, just as an advance "exploratory" committee.  They arrived to check out the condition of earth, and inhabitants, and were not very impressed with earth's progress.  Since the Mayans are coming back in 2012,  and the end of the earth is scheduled for that year, they have to come and visit periodically.

    Now, elsewhere in this blog, we've mentioned the importance of the BFF button, and getting this universally accepted by mankind.  Shoot, when you get real friendly with someone online, you hit the ol "Best Friend Forever" button, and this will save mankind from destruction.  Ferrets have known this for some time, and we can save earth from itself.

    Now, we find there are folks running around with the wrong date!!  Seems a few Christians have the date pegged as May 21, 2011 for Christ's return.  We respect Christianity, don't get us ferrets wrong here!  It's just they've got the date a bit messed up.  

     "Sam get on with the story.."  that from Ronny in Annadale.  Thanks Ronny, you impatient troublemaker.

      So my uncle freddie said the redwinged blackbirds fell out of the sky because they were lovesick.   Yep.   Seems Beebe, Ark is like the Match.Com of the blackbird world.  Blackbirds from all over the world meet there to hook up.   This group that fell out dead were manic depressed, and a bit bipolar to begin with.

       Uncle Freddie said some hot lookin bird from NY City showed up and had the voice of an angel, or Mayan, and sang so lovely, all the chicks were lovesick for him.  Uncle Freddie, not used to such shenanigans witnessed it for himself.  Like women flocking to see Edward in Twilight, and secretly fantasizing about him, this Blackbird was good.

      So to the 2,000 bipolar, manic depressed blackbirds of Beebe, Arkansas who died over the holidays, we will remember you.  You have not died in vain.  At least the crooner from NYC has his pick of the chicks.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

we are all writers

do you tweet? you're a writer
do you blog for fun? then you are a writer

it is pretentious for journalism majors, editors and published authors to think they are "writers" and everyone else is just a hack.  as traditional "paper" book stores and publications like the NY Times move over to digital media, the whole idea that only a few in the press control the flow of news or words is simply archaic and draconian.  anyone can start a rumor, all users of the internet have an internet "imprint" and we need to control our online image, and be sensitive to all these phenomena each time we post.

the internet is a world of words, anyone can blog, gOOgle is based upon words, as is any search engine technology, including Twitter "search".

SEO or Search Engine Optimization is based upon "key word technology" meaning when I type in "famous ferrets" i am seeking those words in subject matter on the internet, and getting better at using keyword technology in my headers and subect lines means getting more "views" or hits.. pretty simple stuff

we are what we write in this world... so write well, spell well, have your stuff edited by someone, and don't take it wrong when someone points out the bad grammar.  every tweet is logged by google.  it may take a few hours to show up, but all our tweets are there. 

we need to be good stewards of our online image, we are what we write, and we are all writers, whether we realize it or not.

Saturday, January 1, 2011


we talk about peace in the world, peace toward others, peace between nations.  one of my favorite recurring themes on twitter is to say "when elected i can bring world peace through more naps and dancing"

peace with others is only obtainable when we have peace within ourselves.  we can't attempt to have a settled, serene existence until we learn the trick of happiness.

serenity or happiness is a decision we make each moment, and moment by moment.  we have to decide that no matter what life throws at us, we can and DO HAVE A CHOICE:

     *  we can stomp our feet, start "thinking" about it, obsess, and get irritated

     *  we can realize that the moment is fleeting,  that we can choose to be happy, and contemplate a moment of peace and serenity in the face of misery

 as a ferret, i have all kinds of issues ppl don't think i face:  i have to steal the cats stuff,  i have to hide my human's remote, sometimes i dance so hard, i fall off the sofa, and land on my back, i'll be crawling around dark closets, and find spiders or worse!  and yet, life doesn't end, i don't make a big deal out of any of it, i have to keep sniffing things out, keep moving forward, i can't get all manic and crazy and upset about the little stuff.

    my first post of 2011 therefore is a resolution:  make peace with myself in order to make peace with the world and my fellow creatures. 

    i can get or  take whatever adversity comes along, indeed, i will whether i like it or not, but it makes it so much more pleasant if i don't get upset, don't keep thinking too hard, and just move on...

    i have a choice, and i choose peace, with myself

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