Friday, December 31, 2010

top ten funny twitter accounts

i was surfing around on my barbie surfer, because GI Joe needs to get some cooler stuff, barbie has everything, and i have to use chick bikes, her corvette if i wanna burn rubber and leave marks on my human's floor... i mean i can train my human to do just about anything, i might get him to paint all this barbie stuff a really cool shade of blue...

so i was surfing around, and wanted some funny stuff, and found a site that had the "funniest" people to follow on Titter..  i found one the other day:  MileysBong  all fine and good, but the account had run out about two weeks ago, right along with that boring story, i mean a teenager smoking pot?  yea, ok, since everyone in america has tried pot, including our last 18 presidents, that was predictable...

so this site suggests 10 funny people to follow! how absolutely a waste of time is that?  i mean they chose "the onion" as number one...  are they kidding me?  no pun there, sorry. 

this is a shout out to the millions, and i mean millions of tweets daily which come from everyday people:  witty, smarmy, sarcastic, funny, humorous, and just downright hilarious.  Twitter is a pretty funny place, and it deserves a whole lot better than a "top ten funny twerson's" list

Pride and Prejudice

Thursday, December 30, 2010

persistence and the number 241543903

persistence is a powerful thing.  one can put their tweets on auto rotation with software, and keep posting their blog entries at random or regular intervals, and eventually, if they are persistent, everyone on their timeline will get a shot at that hyperlink on Twitter.  facebook is the same way, if one posts the same information with different "headlines" or eye catching compelling titles, eventually their fr and fam  will see it, and give it a click.  Linkedin is no different, join enough groups, post links to enough professionals, and again, use compelling short topics,  people will see us.

so there really is a fine line between persistence and outright spam.  i tend to think of spam as redundant, the same post over and over with no variation, this is annoying, and shallow, and obvious, but is persistence spam as well?  i guess spam in and of itself then is hard to define when we look at the word in light of persistence, one person's spam is another's determination?

no, i am not OCD, no I am not OCD, no I am not OCD..  if i tell myself i am not obsessive compulsive, being a ferret, is that not a bit of obsession?

so my point is this:  there is a pretty unique number we can find by gOOgling it, that is going to gOOgle and typing in the number 241543903.   here, i've done it for you, right click this link ( open in another window ) but remember to come "back" here when you are through

the third "hit"  or gOOGle entry states:

Oct 26, 2009 ... 241543903 (a.k.a Heads in Freezers) is a numerical keyword associated with a photo meme that involves people taking pictures with their ...  

so we know that the story dates back to at least October 2009 and yet persists to this day, to wit, if you simply type in gOOgle in your search on Twitter, you can still find this story, almost 15 months later!

so this is spam or persistence?  well, if you are a pissed off, drunken sot with no life, and want something to complain about, it's probably spam to you, and should be barred from the internet, and these people who stick their heads in freezers are complete losers, and they are all part of a plan to spam the entire world with their idiot photos on flicker or Twitpic or wherever it is they are posting them

however if you are one of the people with your head in the freezer, you think the number 241543903 is a cute reminder of the viral effect of the internet, and you have your half second of fame, not quite andy warhol's 15 min, but what the heck

and alas, if you are the ingenious creater of 241543903, you are quite tickled with yourself,  because against all odds, in the very face of logic, and all that is important to anyone in this world, with absolutely no key word search, no help from corporate investors, this crazy if not entirely random number is associated with people sticking their heads in freezers and having it's own set of searches on gOOgle.  without persistence, and keeping this crazy story alive it would have died out in an hour, when the first person didn't rush to put his/her head in the freezer!  whoever set out to make this point had to have persistence, to keep it alive this long, that much is clear

often, my fine folks, the difference between failure and success is persistence

thomas edison said, he failed 1,000 times in attempting to create artificial light, and  failure was just part of success, the two go hand in hand

so next time you want to give up, next time you are exhausted, next time you are convinced that it's probably all been a big waste of time, remember:

the difference between making it, and not making it, is "one more try"

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

penelope and the fat man

     i was outside on the corner with this cat, she'd been teasing all the alleycats, acting nervous, and it seemed she wanted a distraction.  being such a good lookin hunk a flesh as i am, cats don't bother me, like maybe they bother some animals... had i been a dog, or parakeet, maybe she would have caused a ruckus; a cacophony of noise would have erupted, the pandemonium would have gotten us all run off, but such was not the case, i sorta' eased my way into the conversation, with my charming smile, and gave her my best look, which isn't hard, slayer they called me in college, i just slay all the chicks, when i heard and saw the biggest fattest guy in my life arrive in a flourish, there wasn't much choice but to stare, no manners were being observed in this instance, this guy was big, and he rode the smallest little scooter right up on to the curb, with no hesitation, then i noticed the milk crate contraption attached to the handlebars and a movement, it was a pug dog, inside the box, a pug! a pug, was in the milk crate.  now i don't often question my perceptions, they are what i have always thought - pretty accurate, shall we call them 'instinctive' with no pun? this was indeed a pug.  i climbed upon the window  sill of the restaurant on the corner to get a better look, and yes, it was a pug, a little pug of a dog, all sniffly and energetic, wrapped in a dog sized sweatshirt, and another sweater over that, a pink sweater.  i barely noticed the cat had slipped off down the sidewalk, as i got my vantage point fixed, and asked the fat man,  "what's her name...."   to which he replied,  "penelope"  and i then asked him if he minded if i take a sniff, to which he shook his head yes, as he prepped his bike to go inside the mall, i did indeed sniff penelope, who kindly licked me and gave me a slobber, not realizing the man was in a bit of counter shock himself to meet probably for the first time in his obese, over heart pumped life a talking ferret who wanted to sniff his dog, no wonder he'd only shook his head at me, i was so enthralled, so utterly enchanted with penelope i'd forgotten the shock i sometimes put folks through, and this overweight fella was indeed just a tad bit taken aback. in the long scheme of life, i figured at that moment that one could say we were likely equally shocked by this encounter.  but, alas, i was to be outdone.  the fat man hoisted penelope upon his shoulder, and she balanced nicely i might add thereupon, and walked away into the mall, as I said, "bye penelope!" and waved goodbye.

such are the moments that provide the greatest joys and happiness if we are willing to look and slow down, and see what pops out of milk crates.

Return to the top of the blog to see all of sam's posts

writer wednesday

   i've noticed WW is used by japanese or koreans i think it is like their #FF or something, quite the hashtag on twitter - but the writing community has adopted the #WW anyway, plowing right on through as if we could care less

  so what's a ferret to write about with his new found resolution to write each day?  i tried making my resolutions yesterday:  i will not steal the remote;  i will not chew the rubber buttons off of the remote; i will continue to teach the cat to dance, even when she doesn't want to; i will continue to laugh hysterically when my humans stub their toe; you know the normal stuff

   but my bestest resolve will be my attempt to blog something each morning, and give all my adoring fans ( one ) some little tidbit which is not that hard a resolution, not for me, it's not even discipline really, it's just something that has to be done, and once started watch out,  uh oh, this just in:  Natalie from Portland, "Sam, get on with the story, you freakin windbag"  me:  thanks for that Natalie.

    so why not a quick word about this wednesday thing we call:

   #WW or #WriteWednesday is an interesting concept.  I have noticed that alot of writers don't follow back, or shall we say are not good "list managers"...  But let me tell you  we need each other!

    with the disintegration of the traditional publishing business eBooks and self publishing are exploding.  we as writers need to support one another.  it's important to not be envious of your competitor, let's face it there is a huge world out there and even if a buyer buys all ten of your competitors eBooks, it does not mean they won't buy yours... get over the envy, support other writers, follow back, and get a life

     you may also like a short take on following back

     you may like a piece i wrote on following limits

     click here to return to Twitter

     Click Here! eBook Software Create Your own eBooks

    DiCaprio Inception Inception (Two-Disc Edition) [Blu-ray]

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

social media can be a rough place

yesterday i went to a site and posted a comment only to have about 8 to ten members gang up on me, and name call..  which i find just a bit too cute by half.. of course they tout themselves as open minded, of course they have an "open forum" for discussion, and of course they are right....

this morning, before coming over here to my barnyard, i noted that i saw a twerson who was to use her phrase "attacked" on facebook, and another who mentioned ppl talking "behind" her back...  some of this may just be the day of the week, as research has indicated that Tuesday thru Thursday are "mean tweet" days, Thursday being the peek... with the weekends being "happy tweet" days, peeking happily on Sunday...

now, using that logic, and the Nor'eastern that blew through this weekend, maybe people are getting cabin fever, maybe they are isolating, maybe they are feeling depressed, and expressing it in their social media posts, and i can accept that especially since it's my own rationalization

but are we taking it all a bit too seriously?  i don't think so.  i've been "not so nice" myself on social formats and lost relationships because of it, i am at least open and honest to say it, and will not remain in denial. i have vented and really blasted people.... "you sam, no way" tongue in cheek you might add. oh yea, baby, believe it, the smarmy one himself is quite capable of lashing out and like anyone, i might be tempted to do it on those closest to me

one morning, i said, and God is my witness here: "you are up early.."  four simple words, a statement of fact, salutation, and greeting combined in a few short words, right? well oh boy,  i was on the receiving end, this gal said.."look, you aren't a single mom, what do you know about work, and raising kids and rising early having to do my social media in the dark, and juggle my life, you don't know me, you don't know what i go through, who do you think you are..." 

yea, when they say the line, "you don't know me..." i find defense mechanism written all over that, and generally is a prelude to their own odd lashing out behavior, which indeed, in this case it was, she later apologized, nobody ever wants to piss off the ferret, he's just too verbose and sensitive, and open, and he's a big mouth, so that doesn't ever end well, and he will get frequent apologies

my point this morning is that we cannot underestimate social media..its real, and it's here to stay, and it's not imaginary, it's not the "other half" of our real lives, it's not a cyber reality, vs our "real" reality, it is reality.  to some people it is their job, their income, their lives, they make their living in this cyber world, to others, it is their substitution for a life they wish they had.  avitars for many people are what they wish they looked like, a fantasy where they have shed a few pounds or years, or added a touch of highlights to their hair, or even added hair.

when facebook crossed the 400 million and then 500 million person mark, it became necessary, shall we say essential for all of us to maintain an online image. someone somewhere is collecting data on us, and we are what our online profile says we are, and if we want to curse, act like idiots, fight and use fake names, so be it...  i know people who are complete whores on facebook in one profile, and they maintain, another decent, church and granny proof existence on their sane profile.

God forbid their employer ever find out, or they apply for a gov't job.  leads me to my last point, as i have to go annoy people on twitter and plot with other ferrets to take over the world.  those people who vent on social media do pay the price emotionally, and spiritually, they live with the consequences of their actions. but there is a bigger truth here:  people who spew hate at you have something wrong with them, not you.  its hard to remember this in the heat of the moment when someone is venting, but THEY ARE THE ONE WITH THE PROBLEM.  forgive them, let it go, move on.  more than likely they are upset at something else, not even related to what you said, they are just mad at the world, or they are insecure, and difficult anyway, so let it go.  if the bad behavior persists, then start to consider spending less time with them.

so next time someone wants to bring you down, remember, do like the ferret does, laugh, dance and sing, and snuggle a bit, and pray for them, they need it, they are having a bad day, and you are only gonna make their day worse by feeding into their crap...  dance and sing your way to a better moment.

have a ferret nice day

Here's a book on Social Media Marketing All-in-One For Dummies
its an all inclusive desk ref from September 2010

Best Seller: The Gift  Susan Boyle Nov. 9th, 2010 

return to top of blog to see all posts

return to Twitter

Monday, December 27, 2010

waking early no norman mailer

look if a ferret can get up before daylight appears and post a little something to his blog, so can you..  it's called a schedule, or maybe it's discipline, or maybe it is just doing what we are supposed to do

i am not perfect at it, that is the enigmatic conundrum is it not?  we as writers never think our writing is perfect, yet we strive for perfection, so we must accept the fact that is part of our make up, we are this way, period

then just keep doing it... now we will miss a day but should we miss two?  i pictured yesterday Norman Mailer out on Cape Cod, his mistress/wife/maid taking care of him, old beyond old, his last days spent finishing the last work, putting it together, not to leave her a few million more in her bank account, not so that he'd hear the praise and the accolades of critics and press, but because that is what writers do, they write

i can't remember who said it:  "Writers Write" but progress is the name of the game, not perfection.  we must make the progress each day, and put something down, and i admit, i am the worst at it..

so help me here:  i tweet at @samuel_clemons and ask me:  sam did you write today?  keep me going, remind a busy ferret that his morning should be researching, reading, living, and throwing some lines down... entertaining is not easy, so it's really hard sometimes for me, i get all creaky boned, i get to eating my poptarts, then fall asleep, and want to take a nap, get excited, and dance around the room like an idiot, then pass out on the nearest human's lap... life is tough as a humorist, because sometimes a ferret just don't like bein' funny!

but life is progress, not perfection, and writers write, so i have to do a better job in 2011 than i did in 2010

keep me on track, and tweet me in January, and get me to put words down, thanks

Your Own eBook Software Only $9.97 Click Here!

Bestseller:   The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes

If you need a wonderful place to sell your eBook, or don't know where to start let me help you at 

windows traveling in europe

i just really liked the architecture and well, i liked the window on the left, i wonder who picked it? ha!

from "traveling through windows"  article at lonely planet be sure to use the back button to get back here and the twitter feed on my blog if you like the article

to return to the top of sam's blog to see all his posts, 

to return to twitter

The Rough Guide to Europe on a Budget (Rough Guide Travel Guides) (Rough Guide Travel Guides)

Friday, December 24, 2010

the ferret chronicles

To Live In Insolence 
Chapter One
The Ferret Chronicles

by Terence Beck   DIRTY GARNET

I'm not usually one for the well-ridden classics of the nightlife scene. They say to me when I go to bars where the older ones hang: "Terry, why don't you go for the maturer members of the crowd? You're a quality lover, and you've started working out again."

Sighing modestly I'd rebuke them by saying I'd still years left of targeting college students. I said to Brian once: "Brian, are you bilingual?"

"Dude I try anything once." - This sort of brilliant attitude is one I want to preserve. That's why when I headed to California I stopped off in Louisiana. The whole Assange thing hadn't kicked off to a bad extent - and besides a day in the Deep South is great for eating out in great hospitality, groans in the steamy air as you nosh on some moist, Southern meaty folds.

Touching down in New Orleans proved uneventful. Exiting the airport equally so. Yet it was as I boarded a cab that a huge bombshell hit me: an old, zany coot had thrown a defused grenade at my head whilst crying "Boooom! Happy holidays you swishy haired varmint!"

Yet as I shifted myself into the cab I noticed two small animals, bickering madly. Thinking I'd just entered some sort of George Michael bedroom scenario I leant forward and politely informed the cabbie of the odd, rodentish situation.

"Oh you on for the ride now on for it the whoooole way." A cracked, horrendous cackle emerged from the cabbie's gullet as he turned on the central locking and remotely activated a grate. I was confined to this odd scenario, which grew vastly more pleasant when I realized the creatures were babbling on in English.

"If you were a fisherman, I'd be the ones catching the big fish and you'd be one catching the little uns'!" The smaller, younger looking rodent squeaked with glee, delighted at his own wit and guile.

"Your conceit is equaled only by your troglodyte verbal skills. I am appalled, shocked, and worse of all hindered by your presence. That you claim to be an illegitimate child is but evidence of your willful upstart nature - this is, I must wholeheartedly say, your redeeming feature."

"Darn it Dad, we don't have to end this like you're the oil baron from that awful epic There Will Be Blood! I need you to teach me everything you know, so I can become as great as you and carry on your legend. It's not's just pure altruism for the human who beholds your...I mean our, work." The tone of the creature, as squeak and snuffle ridden as it was became that of a groveling plea.

"Let it be known that your head could not absorb but a fraction of the knowledge gained. You must go out into the world; see wonderful sights, make love to wonderful women, randomly boil nettles in the wilds because you want to see what they taste like...but above all, leave me be. Or we'll see about that movie tribute!"
By now I'd decided to offer my services. Plucking the younger critter up by his nameless collar I tapped on the cabbie's rear panel: "Gots to drop off a passenger here man."

The little bastard squirmed and tried to bite. However my Aunt Beryl had taught me superbly how to handle all manner of rodenty creatures. The cab ground to a stop, the tinted winters opening to a blast of fresh, sarcasm cleaning air. Out went the talking critter, landing softly on an adjacent pile of shrubs.

Meanwhile the older, slightly grizzled rodent had curled up on the seat, saying: "Ah...just like an abbreviated version of that movie Mouse Trap. Yet...less crappy."

The night out on the town that followed proved legendary. Therein Samuel, as he was called, resided atop my shoulder, tickling my cheek with his handy old school tips. I fed him shots of Tennessee bourbon. Due to creeping out so many supple nubile gals I had to settle with the maturer crowd, but you know what?

It was exquisitely better.

Who Tweets as Dirty Garnet

Be Sure to Follow More of Dirty Garnet's Hilarity and Vitally Meaningless Drivel at:


"Now Sammy, you have to be brave, you are going to go on a yourself, and you have to be brave" mum said to me.

I had never been very far from the burrow, just a few visits to my Uncle Freddies, church, the usual.  An exciting world awaited me, a real adventure!

"Now you remember, to use your manners, and when you meet him, you be a good little ferret, your dad is a busy one, oh goodness, do I know that" she said.

"Yes, mum, I remember.  And not repeat what you've told me, that he is a cad, and playboy, and a carouser, and all he thinks about is the ladies; I remember."

"I want you to keep your nose pointed in the right direction, Sammy, don't get sidetracked snifffing out every little thing that pops into your head, stay on the track, and get to your father's burrow before Christmas"

And a fear came over me, as I looked out the door, meeting the Old Ferret, the legendary, Conceited One himself, calls himself: "The Sexiest Ferret Alive"...

The world beckoned, the far off distances of the great big horizon, and I started to choke back the tears, the fears, the gut feeling that I didn't want to leave home mingled with the adventuresome nature within us all.

"Now Sammy, don't you cry, big ferrets don't cry, my young one"  mum said to me, as she herself shed her own tear and patted me on my bum out the door.

As told in the Ferret Chronicles by @SamDaFerret 

( no ferret was actually tossed out the window in the making of this epic, in fact, little Sammy sits idly by my pool, smoking my cigars, hitting on my french maid, and driving my Barbie Corvette about the house, till the batteries run dead.  i refuse to give the little bastard my GI Joe Hummer, except on weekends.  my plan calls for getting my uncle freddies to produce the critter's birth certificate, and let me tell you that edition of the Ferret Chronicles will be just as boring and pointless.....  Return to Twitter   Return to top of Blog to See all of Sam's Stuff )

Kindle Wireless Reading Device, Wi-Fi, Graphite, 6" Display with New E Ink Pearl Technology

Sunday, December 19, 2010

where have all the sexy cops gone?

it seems the Czech police are utilising an ingenious way to slow traffic:  they are posting cardboard cut outs of sexy female police officers on the side of the road clad in miniskirts!  so successful are these scantily clad cops that drivers are running off the side of the road, and the cardboard vixens are causing accidents.

in an effort to cut down on the accidents caused by these roadside hazards, my uncle freddie has been stealing all the cut outs, so that people don't get into fender benders.

when i happened upon his ferret burrow full of mini skirt clad female cops and asked what the heck was going on, my uncle freddie didn't mention the accidents right away, or the fact that he was actually trying to do a public good,  his comment was:  "they looked cold standing out there in the snow, i just want to help them get warmed up..."

i think my uncle freddie is about as eccentric as they come

Friday, December 17, 2010

Santa's Sleigh Classified Information

Classified Information Regarding Santa's Sleigh 
Designer & Builder: K. Kringle & Elves, Inc.
Color: Red Base with Green Garland, and Silver Snowflakes
Probable First Flight: Dec. 24, 343 A.D. 
Home Base: North Pole 
Length: 75 cc (candy canes)/150 lp (lollipops) 
Width: 40 cc/80 lp Height: 55 cc/110 lp 
Weight at takeoff: 75,000 gd (gumdrops)
Passenger weight at takeoff: Santa Claus 260 pounds
Weight of gifts at takeoff: 60,000 tons
Weight at landing: 80,000 gd (ice & snow accumulation) 
Passenger weight at landing: 1,260 pounds 
Propulsion: Nine (9) rp (reindeer power) 
Armament: Antlers (purely defensive) Fuel: Hay, oats and carrots (for reindeer) Emissions: Classified 
Climbing speed: One "T" (Twinkle of an eye)
Max speed: Faster than starlight

Source:  Secret Ferret Manuel for Everything 

broccoli boy is freed

it seems that i have been accused of taking the stash of broccoli and smoking it all by two famous stars... luke romyn has lost his hair, and the mysterious foxy lady, will not reveal her identity anytime soon.... meanwhile dianne little is in the plot to rule the world by cornering the market on broccoli .... stay tuned to the next episode of Broccoli Boy by @ceebee308  watch here

don't worry, folks i am sure to be cleared of this dastardly accusation, well maybe not

Thursday, December 16, 2010

why not follow back?

when you stop to think about it, as i unfollow unproductive tweeps this morning, why not follow back?

some ferret has taken the time to follow you, isn't that flattering?  isn't that the premise and purpose of twitter?  if you look up any "how to" guide or article on twitter they all say  to "follow" people of like interests and like profiles to find commonality amongst strangers and to build a rapport with them, and this is constantly the recurring theme

now someone takes the time to follow us, and we then turn our noses up at that, and say, "i'm not going to follow back?"  which i find simply undemocratic, judgmental, and weird... now there are pervs out there whackos and bi polar idiots, and you know who you are, you can live in denial, but that is another issue.. ha! i had to get that dig in... 

the weirdos? yea, unfollow them, i get that part, but are we using superficiality and our common sense in a balanced approach?  are we racially profiling? specie profiling?  am i not following a cat, simply b/c she is a cat?  am i completely ignoring all the ducks?  this is not what God intended for the animals in the barnyard to do... if the duck quacks good morning, am i to ignore him and stick with my stupid group of ferrets most of whom have become a bit odd in their idiosyncratic habits anyway?

i think the purpose of twitter is to expand our horizons to think of new ways of crossing over out of our comfort zone into new areas of commonality and it does a fairly good job of that efficiently and intelligently.  i use it to do this very thing, i don't want just writers on my timeline.... half the battle of writing is living anyway, i have to live an experience, i can't be tethered to my desk, i have to go out and meet ducks, geese, horses, travel to distant burrows, find out what the world offers in order to write about it  so why would i want a timeline with nothing but deskbound writers?  i have to cross into new areas of commonality and broaden my market shall we say, and bring laughter and ferret cool to new people who have not yet enjoyed my unique charms

it is up to each ferret to find her/his duck ... next time someone that you do not think is your "type" and you  DO NOT WANT TO FOLLOW BACK   follow them anyway...  give it a shot

here's an article below on Unfollowing Unproductive Tweeps 

go to the top of the blog to see all of sams post in chronological order 

return to twitter

In Alabama Brad Pitt’s Armpits Are Terrorism

Funny Post by Dirty Garnet a Brit, which I entirely hold against him: 

In Alabama Brad Pitt’s Armpits Are Terrorism

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

cover to cover

just an expression, right?  i read that book "cover to cover"

there is another expression: "don't judge a book by it's cover"

let me tell you, nothing could be further from the truth!!

just like we are judged on our appearance, just like the "clothes make the man" well  books are sold based upon their covers!  why do you humans think the saying even exists! funny, you humans are - how many times have you purchased a novel or paperback b/c the publisher had the good sense to spend some extra bucks on a nice looking cover?

if you are a published author, or just beginning, than take the time to learn that the cover is going to sell your books

ferrets already know this:  humans are shallow incredibly easily influenced creatures, and we just dance and wiggle our way into their hearts, so take a lesson from a ferret, take the time to think about your book cover...

oh! this just in!  Mary from Anchorage:  "Sam, but I want to sell an eBook, covers don't matter do they"    Me:  Mary, how cold is it up there anyway?

twitter research has shown that people choose to follow based upon what? you guessed it,  photo first, profile second, content third, everyday, millions are followed because they have a cool pic!  how shallow and superficial is that...

learn to utilize the superficiality of humans by creating a great cover

just one of many cover packages, there are many more.... 

Create eBook Covers Like This!
Create Stunning eBook Covers
CoverFactory is easy-to-use Windows software that allows even the artistically-challenged to create amazing 3D-style eBook cover art in minutes.

  • Incredibly easy to use
  • Fantastic graphics in minutes
  • Awesome range of features
  • Full instructions included
  • FREE evaluation version
Download and try it out for FREE


return to top of blog and see all of sam's posts 

Saturday, December 11, 2010

two dogs

i don't drive often, it involves hanging onto the steering wheel for dear life, and i look rather cartoonish, swaying my rear paws around; could not bare the thought that i might be seen in so precarious a light; yet this manic travel method does not stop me from taking in the scenery, human or otherwise - today, i saw two dogs, both of whom saw me first and engaged me in such a way that i have not shaken them from my mind, they are imprinted there for this moment, and now herein; the first a cute little barker, just walking down the street, but he started at seeing me, his movement catching my eye, earnest in his appeal that i notice him, all white and fluffy and such a darling critter, calling out to me, "see me, i am here, why do you get to drive a car, and i have to take my human for a walk" so that i slowed and smiled out the window at the sight, and his human noticed me then, and realized he had been barking at me, saying hello, and was pulling her toward me, and willing to help me drive, at least he was willing to give it the good ol' college try, he wanted to help, i had to keep on with my journey, and the shared experience was special for the three of us, his owner smiled back, and he turned around and followed me with his head and shoulders longingly, lovingly, a fellow critter on this earth out for his morning walk, so happy to know each other, if only in that instance;  i thought about him, as i drove, thought what a special thing to do, until i got onto the highway, and my passion for driving was tempered somewhat by the flow of speeding cars, and having to pay attention ahead, not allowing myself the thought that i can't even reach the pedals, on cruise control, focused, and then it happened again;

the second dog was staring at me

not at the road, or his human, but at me, out of the corner of my left eye, a tall, shaggy breed, centered upon me, clearly staring, clearly entertained that i could drive a car, and he too, barked in salutation, but this time i could not hear the bark, only see the movement of his jaw, and thought it very strange that two dogs only minutes apart could call out to me, and communicate so well with me across the road each time, through a closed window, as i drove, and how unique a world we live in, where all the busy details melt away, and we are left with special instances which uplift us, and at other times we might take for granted; yes, indeed, the world for me today, has been a special one, shared with two dogs.

Dogs Playing Poker Poster Print, 36x24 Famous Poster: $2.14

Best Seller:  The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes

Sunday, December 5, 2010

pelf hardly used anymore

For him no Minstrel raptures swell;
High though his titles, proud his name,
Boundless his wealth as wish can claim;
Despite those titles, power, and pelf,
The wretch, concentred all in self,
Living, shall forfeit fair renown,
And, doubly dying, shall go down
To the vile dust, from whence he sprung,
Unwept, unhonour'd, and unsung.

Sir Walter Scott (1771–1832), Scottish novelist, poet. The Lay of the Last Minstrel. . .

New Oxford Book of English Verse, The, 1250–1950. Helen Gardner, ed. (1972) Oxford University Press

Return to Twitter

     ~ or ~

Go to the Top and Read all of Sam's Posts

Saturday, November 27, 2010

derek haines, vandal at large

not very often, but sometimes a human will wander by my hovel, poke around a bit, thinking they've found a rabbit hole, and wake me up from one of my naps... regular readers know i nap often, generally 14 times per day, more often on sundays, and i don't mind the occasional curiosity seeker, and sometimes invite them in for tea, in my slumbered state, i forget they can only fit a nose in the opening to my ferret hole.... oh, this just in: Ann from Ann Arbor again, "sam, get on with the story, will ya?" oh, right, well, derek happened by, and asked why i sometimes use such long run on sentences, and i had to explain that my paws are not all that large, and i hate having to hit the shift key and he's lucky i don't run him off for waking me up; being the good sport, he threw a blueberry pop tart down into the burrow, and i have been working on it for a couple of days, if anyone cares to join me, i've only taken a few bites....

from someone blessed with an extraordinary mind, and also a gift for euphemisms, powerful allegory, not to mention he can butter a mean pop tart, i highly recommend you click the link below, and read derek's latest post....

Take me to the Rest of Sam's Blog ( return here from Derek's Blog, hit the Back Button )

sams favorites more

Ongoing excerpts from Sam's time line, misc assorted tweets, these are from September 2010

Sarcasm is a powerful tool for humor and good in the world, as long as you don't scare everyone off while doing it.....

I was told I should be more sensitive, so I am switching from Very, Very Sarcastic, to Very Sarcastic... I hope that satisfies everyone

Ferrets are convinced the happy dance solves all problems. They have a perfect track record.

It is a lot easier for me to remember if I just call everyone Uncle Freddie

ferrets have been mayors,governors, and one ferret was even squeaker of the house

ferrets have a secret plan to solve the world's problems .... take more naps


Free Ebook Covers and Templates

Sunday, November 14, 2010

blueberry cream pie recipe

Blueberry Cream Pie Recipe  From King Arthur Flour

    Return to top of Blog  to see all posts

    Return to Twitter

Sunday, November 7, 2010

sams favorites

Just a quick post, BlogSpot by gOOgle (formerly Blogger) makes it so easy to post something, there's no excuse not to!

We'll update this feature regularly, here's just some off the bottom of the list

I was thinking this twitter gig was just come in and crack a few jokes a week before each movie, like Will Farrell. This is long term!!

Mary, ColoSprings: Sam were there any famous ferret pilots? me: that's too much work ... you know winding the rubber bands?

if you make someone laugh, you give them a respite from themselves

Note to New Followers: Due to the influx and increase in stupid questions, if yu dont get a response, don't give up, keep on asking

Andy from Capitol Hill: Sam do you laugh out loud sometimes at your own jokes...? Me: No Andy, but your avatar sure made me grin

Remember to follow Sam at 





Friday, October 29, 2010

Sarcasm Sells Sarcastic Candidate sees 700 Percent Jump!

Last week the Master of Sarcasm himelf had 73 Follow Friday Recommends on

this week as of right now, that ranking stands at 452, a 700% increase over last week.

And for months, the widget has said " > 1k " meaning greater than 1,000 in the rankings.  Now as you can see on the right, the widget has Sarcastic Sam at a Global Ranking of 285.  No Lady Gaga, no Justin or Justin, but not so bad for a ferret with 7k followers.

Hey it's just a widget, something to keep me occupied in between snide remarks.

Remember you can actually join a real live human network, for Free, you don't have to become a paid member at Smart People Networking. 

Thursday, October 28, 2010

if by rudyard kipling

If you can keep your head when all about you
  Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
  But make allowance for their doubting too:
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
  Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated don't give way to hating,
  And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream — and not make dreams your master;
  If you can think — and not make thoughts your aim,
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
  And treat those two impostors just the same:.
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
  Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
  And stoop and build'em up with worn-out tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
  And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings,
  And never breathe a word about your loss:
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
  To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
  Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
  Or walk with Kings — nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
  If all men count with you, but none too much:
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
  With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
  And which is more; you'll be a Man, my son!

Return to the Top of this Blog to See all of Sam's Stuff 

Return to

   Professionals, Small Business Owners, ANYONE!
Join Sarcastic Sam's Network  FREE! Smart People Networking
Grow Your Career, Grow Your Business, Get Hired

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Funny Blog Post

This is the kind of funny blog Sam likes, completely irreverant, and yet not so much so that anyone is going to be offended.

Remember to follow Sarcastic Sam, the Only Presidential Candidate that Makes Any Sense...Running on a platform of more naps and dancing in 2012.    Return to

 Join Sam Clemon's Professional Network at Smart People Networking  FREE Sign Up, You do NOT need a Paid Account if you don't want to.  Network with other professionals and business owners.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Twitter Follow Limits

   I keep finding humans on my Time Line stuck at 2001 people they are following.  Nobody likes an "unfollower" I mean who would?  We even have a site which tells us who did the dastardly deed.  There is something sneaky and downright dishonest in the practice, and we tend to see at least one or two disgruntled people whining about being dumped.

    But a little known and even less thought about practice on Twitter is that we are forced to "unfollow" for very practical reasons.

         Twitter Follow Limit    

                Twitter has a limit of 2001 people that you can follow.  When we reach this limit, we are forced to do a couple of things.  1. Sit there and do nothing and look like an idiot.  Or 2.  we can do the rational thing and unfollow some of them.  If you find yourself in this position, then you should probably just use ( free ) and do what Tweepi calls a "Flush".  Go  to the last page of people you are following.  Don't start on the first page, these are the most recent people you just followed today.  You humans are funny.

         Unfollowing Unproductive Tweeps

           ProNetworkBuild, on Twitter has written about this practice extensively on Evan Carmichael and on Smart People Marketing.    
         Put plainly, people who don't tweet are not contributing to your timeline, and those who haven't tweeted in months probably will miss the fact that you unfollowed them. Using this simple logic, when you are in Tweepi, unfollow the unproductive tweeps.  We use the "ratio of followers to following" radial dial button on Tweepi to ascertain who has a high limit.

        The Serial Unfollower - Narcissist and Wanna Be

You can find out for yourself the hard way, but it is much more efficient to not bother with these people in the first place.   We have run statistics over multiple accounts, with various names.  Anyone who has a ratio of over 125% followed to following ratio on Tweepi is not worth your time.  90% of them will eventually unfollow you, and they require two efforts on your part if you wish to experiment.  First you must locate, find and follow them, only to have them dump you, and you have to then go back to Tweepi, and unfollow them!  Surely the unfollowers as self centered as they are don't really care.  They have factored that sort of loss into their scheme.  Of course they have to work harder at being famous don't they?  It is quite humorous when you stop to think that if they worked that hard at following back, their twitter accounts would be twice as large or three times as large, and their fetish for feeling wanted or needed would be sated, wouldn't it? Oh well, on to the next group.

         Unfollow those who don't follow back 

         There are those who don't intend on following you back, unfollow them

         Now like hackers have used Remote Access technology for years to gain access to other's computers, these unfollowers that nobody likes have used the phenomenon for all sorts of things, like being serial unfollowers or wanna be famous narcissists who fancy themselves Bugs Bunny or BP Oil, when really they are just regular people - not famous - like anyone else.  Like the hacker, warping legitimate technology for anarchist purposes, these folks have taken to just not following back. Many of them Retweet you, say hello, and as a last resort even follow you, only to dump you a few days later!  I can spot them by their following ratio, and lately, don't even bother following them, as I know what is coming. Why give them the satisfaction? These poor souls live in a boring world where they have no lives to begin with, and looking like somebody on Twitter must be important because they are playing out their fantasy - let them do it as someone else's expense, not mine or yours.

     When I bother to call them out, and trust old Sam, he will - they have lots of excuses for this antisocial behavior.  Their favorite?  To accuse you of being  a spammer.  "I only unfollow spammy accounts, and your account, Sam fit the bill.."  Really now? I've never duplicated ANY tweet ever, so calling Sammy spammy means they didn't even bother to look at the timeline before accusing me, so don't let them con you. Besides why do they have a following ratio of 200% or 300%? Their logic is thin, to say the least, let alone self justification at being caught redhanded.

      Last week, I gave a guy the benefit of the doubt. He'd followed me for three days, and I refused to follow him back, his ratio was 178 ( tweepi gives statistics, alot of free sites don't ) and I just caved in.  Well, shortly after following him, I was composing a smarmy tweet to the tune of "You better not unfollow me..." and he already had!!  Funny how humans think, we ferrets are much more loyal.

      All of this comes from a legitimate need to unfollow at certain times, and that is list management.  If not for Twitter's follow limits, these nefarious characters could not shroud their actions.  

                          We have had to Unfollow Followers! 

                Yes, the ugly secret is out: in order to get around Twitter's follow limit of 2001 people we were following, all of us has had to actually "flush" good followers.  To give an example.  If I have 1900 people following me, and I am stuck at 2001 whom I follow?  I may have to go to the last page of Tweepi, and "flush" good followers using the "cleanup" feature.  Hypothetically, I would dump temporarily of course, say 500 followers!!  Just to get around Twitter's follow limit.  OUCH!  That hurts.  They catch on quick too.  Within 24 hours, those people are going to reciprocate by dumping me.  We've had to follow back rather quickly later on, after crossing above the 2000 mark.  Twitter frees up the account.  It is as though Twitter is rewarding you for finding out a way around their rules.

                   Well, back to sarcasm and wit, just had to vent, and help a few struggling tweeps with some experience from the front lines.

         Follow Sam on Twitter:

         Look at other Blog Posts by Sam by Going to the Top of this blog


The Fastest Way to Sell Something Online!
Templates, Help, Links, Formats
Let eJunky Help You Sell Your Book or Product
The Easiest Way to Sell ONLINE
E-junkie Shopping Cart and Digital Delivery

Friday, October 15, 2010

Stirs Sarcastic Sam's Soul

"We never know how high we are 'till we are asked to rise.  And then if we are true to plan our statures touch the sky. -- Emily Dickinson

There is something in that piece that really moves me, nothing sarcastic, nothing humorous, but it almost ignites my spirit to feel like I can do anything.  It is  as if she were actually here, and inspiring me to do just that, reach up, and see if I can fly upon the clouds feel them and  touch the sky.  

Just a thought from Old Sam! God Bless You Ms. Dickinson for taking the time to pen that line.  God Bless You Indeed!

Thursday, October 14, 2010

A Writer on Writing

Awe Shucks, AweWriter ( ) so you're on wordpress?  Well there is no harm in starting a Blogger Account. Now that it's owned by gOOgle, maybe you'll get some more 'hits' ....mmmmm???  Anyway, even though it's a WordPress Blog, here's a link to a writer's blog, and he makes money.  Unlike mine, which is purely for my own self gratification...That did not sound respectable did it???

AweWriter's Blog:

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Sarcastic Sam's Causes

Billy Longbow from Longbow, Tx Writes:  Sam, what causes do you promote?

  Of course, I support our Military, especially on Twitter and Breast Cancer Awareness, two biggies, here are some others.

We need a BFF button.  There are "Like" buttons which send out little electronic impulses across the internet, right?  We think they are just ways to inform our connections that we "Like" Purina dog chow as opposed to Iams..... Well not that simple, let's not be naive.  Everytime you send one of those little signals across the earth, FB is calculating, scheming, and profiling you.  Yes, that's right, as I write this, they are sending out mean looking dudes with notepads who are taking down my address, recording what kind of cage I live in, and what kind of hammock I use for my daily 14 naps, 15 or 16 on Sundays.

"You are one paranoid Ferret"  says Monica from  Santa Monica.  Well, I think not, Monica, you naive human, you.  Facebook admits in their press releases they are profiling ferrets "Likes" and "Dislikes" so they can market to me, and use artificial intelligence to anticipate "probable" buying patterns, trends, and whether I like to smoke chicken legs or pipe tobacco.  "You are pretty well versed in technology for a ferret, Sam, I own a ferret, and he is not half as smart as you" that was from Sandy in Sandy Point, New Jersey.  Sandy, your ferret is smart, you just don't listen.

The BFF Button 

Oh, I must have thought it was FF again,  you know, Forgetful Friday.  My bad. My causes right?   Well Sam Supports the BFF Button.   We need this really badly.  What started as Text Slang or an Abbreviated Acronym "Best Friends Forever" (possessive, not plural) has now come into the vernacular.

The BFF catchphrase is so common that without this button, the entire Universe will self destruct in the year 2012 without it, as predicted by the Mayans. 

Since we know that the Mayans correctly predicted their own demise, and now ours, we ferrets have been secretly meeting to determine ways to save the planet from itself, and have come up with a pretty good solution, that works for everyone.

The BFF button will save the world.  "Sam, you do spin elaborate tales do you not?"  Fred from Frederick, MD.  Look, Fred,  if you read more on Mayan history, you'd know this is the only solution.  Get with the program, or get outa the way.

War Memorial on the Plaza 

My next favorite cause is a Ferret War Memorial in Washington, DC.  This will not be an extensive historical argument, I don't have time, but dogs have War Memorials, don't they? They served in Vietnam and World War II.  And they have a very long history of search and rescue, police work and of course as man's best friend.

Ferrets have served on Naval Vessels for as long as there were navies.  Not to mention the fact that we ran wires by allowing humans to tie them to our tails and we'd pull them where humans could not reach.  Actually ferrets served in the military up until and including World War One.  At which time we became unemployed....eeeerrrrrr  we became consultants.

So there is a strong, unfulfilled need for ferrets to have their own war memorial.

I have other causes I support, but they are more personal, and not enough time today to add here, but next time you see a post that says:  Sam Supports the BFF Button remember, I am just out to save the world.  And give the critters their long overdue respect that they deserve as well, DC really NEEDS a War Memorial.

ALWAYS, ALWAYS Retweet Samuel_Clemons  and Remember to Vote for him for US President in 2012, the Only Ferret Candidate.  I strongly support more naps and dancing.  Let my opponents top that agenda.

Monday, October 4, 2010

Does Sarcasm have a bad rep?

           Follie's Anatomie, or, Satyres and Satyricall Epigrams: "Muse, shew the rigour of a satyres art, In harsh sarcasmes, dissonant and smart…"   We can note here in the English Satirist Henry Hutton's use of  'sarcasmes' [sic] that it has this negative connotation, even then in 1615 A.D.

             From a sociological point of view, sarcasm is constantly misrepresented as negative, when in fact it need not be.  Some sarcasm is not negative at all, and is quite positive.  If humor has healing and restorative powers, why has sarcasm been given such a rep?  I think it may be that it bites and saws away at the listener/reader.  Here is an expert from an anthropologist, herself quoting a study of human history:

        "The corporate chairman throws out a sarcastic remark and those who "get" it laugh, smile,      and gain favor. In the same way, if the chair never makes a remark, sarcastic people are making them behind his or her back, forming a clique by their mutually negative, but funny, comments. Either way, sarcasm plays a role in making and breaking alliances and friendship"  Meredith Small, Anthropologist, Cornell University

       I of course, beg to differ with the esteemed Ms. Small, in that sarcasm is not so negative if in fact it makes people pause and ponder.   I like to say "Sarcasm makes people think - twice - or three times"   which is the whole point, isn't it?  Just last night a twerson remarked to Sam:  "I often get a joke 2 or 3 days later, and it makes me laugh"  thus is the spiritual force behind sarcasm.  It can pay off days sometimes years later, and restore one's soul with laughter. Of course if the joke is ever gotten at all. 

       So sarcasm for a screenwriter, author, blogger, comedienne, or entertainer is absolutely essential.  Without sarcasm, there can be no twisted warped political satire, our entire society would break down.  If Jon Stewart is the most respected news source for college kids worldwide, where would this generation be without his biting sarcasm and irony?  Don't let people's misunderstanding of the term itself stop you from using sarcasm.  Learn to separate it's reputation from it's effect upon your characters and development.  Experienced satirists and writers never actually use the word.  We don't say: "I was being sarcastic"  we are just sarcastic. 

        Now, one lone ferret crying in the wilderness that sarcasm has a bad rep will not change the world, or layperson's misappropriation of the word.  "Are you being sarcastic?" will not go away because Sarcastic Sam preaches a new day dawning.  But maybe, just maybe, we can all learn that sarcastic expressions are absolutely essential to humor as laughter itself.

follow sam on twitter at
return to top of blog so you can see the lastest post

Friday, September 24, 2010

senator of sarcasm gets 14 votes

wiggle wiggle I should get a few votes for keyword search and compelling headline ... back in the day, i used to spit tobaccy and write for a frisco paper...oooops that's mark twain.... i don't even wanna be compared to him besides, in my family, everyone is uncle freddie, they only call me samuel clemons cause i got grey hair.... oh, the reason for my post?  almost forgot it is FF  on twitter  forgetful friday and in honor of blogger's longest rambling entertaining sentence, i wanted to tell you:  look over on the right, see that widget sarcasm got 14 votes...i have been very proud of my sick joke that i rank dead last, and someone ruined my melancholy thus: "Sam, do you really rank last on ff I think the "> 1k" on your widget  means the top 1,000" that was Angela from Destin thanks angela, and there aint no easter bunny neither, can't a guy live a fantasy without all these human questions? so she ruined my dead last joke - hey it was funny to me -  my only consolation was to get it out of my system, and magnetically, habitually like a moth to a ferret burrow, write a cool sounding headline, and crack smarmy - longwindedly smarmy

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

ferrets protest in hollywood

OK, OK, so I took some liberties with that headline. Actually, in California, ferrets are illegal, can you imagine? In 48 states, we can be carried around on your shoulder and won't jump off and spread our charms to other people, just leave us up there, and we are good to go...But walk around in Cali? OH NO!!  I feel like an outlaw going to Seven - 11 for a bag of snacks.  Hollywood has been using critters to make movies, commercials, manipulate humans through sheer adorability but we aren't legal? What, I have to move to Arizona to get a fair shake? Here's the clip: If you live in California, write Arnold, and remember to use sarcasm.

Paperback: April 1, 2010  The Tighty Whitey Spider: And More Wacky Animal Poems I Totally Made Up

TwitPic Widget For Blog or WebPage

Didn't think Sarcastic Sam would just let you get a few laughs, and then move on? Ha! Smoove Sam gots da skills baaaaaabyyyyy!!! is easy, and you can get your twitpic on easier.  Now in an earlier post, we showed me posing with the Queen and Paris Hilton, and I promise you more smarmy shots, but let's see this widget work, ok?  Here we go:

Now you can just switch your blog editor to html, cut/paste the html code, and switch it back to "compose" or design, whatever it is called on your blog. Also, in the widget above, there are two choices, of layout, I chose horizontal. Ferrets don't visualize vertically, we are short little critters.

And here is a widget for Follow Friday Rankings, which I rank dead last!

Now, that was a bonus widget, and I found that one just by ferreting around in my closet. I guess you have to be me to think that one was funny... Well, this widget is pretty cool if you are big into FollowFriday, something to keep you humans occupied. I judge a good FF if I only get unfollowed twenty times or less.

BTW, Follow Friday starts on Thursday, which means there is alot of activity on Wednesday, and I think you need to follow a few hundred people starting at Sunday Brunch, if they get around to following back by next week, you are beating the odds. Especially writers, they are more likely to be out behind their landlady's house working out the combination to a power line than actually following anyone back. Bunch of stoners.

 Top of Sam's Blog, See all of Sam's Stuff

Monday, September 20, 2010

Support Our Military Bloggers

Support Our Military Bloggers  On Twitter Call Sign: milblogging currently has 2,830 military blogs in 45 countries with 12,430 registered members.

Once again, that link is

Saturday, September 18, 2010

sarcasm in the bible

And at noon Elijah mocked them, saying, “Cry aloud, for he is a god. Either he is musing, or he is relieving himself, or he is on a journey, or perhaps he is asleep and must be awakened.”  1 Kings 18:7 

One of the most famous uses of sarcasm in the Bible is from Genesis, the first Book:   Then the Lord said to Cain, “Where is Abel your brother?” He said, “I do not know; am I my brother's keeper?” Gen. 4:9

The sluggard is wiser in his own eyes than seven men who can answer sensibly.  Prov 26:16

And then the Isrealites collectively were not above sarcasm:   They said to Moses, “Is it because there are no graves in Egypt that you have taken us away to die in the wilderness? What have you done to us in bringing us out of Egypt?  Exodus 14:11

There are others, some good ones, some not so good.  Sarcasm is a rich tool to make the reader think. It has a bad connotation, but doesn't have to:  Are you being sarcastic? Is in itself a bit of sarcasm.  "Quit being sarcastic" is worse, that is assuming all sarcasm is bad.

At it's very best, it is very humorous, and rings of the truth.  It is more than a barb, or jab at someone, but a humorous take on the seemingly obvious ( at least to the writer ). Dialogue can be spruced up with sarcasm.  Characters in screenplays or fiction can also use it to great fanfare, where would Humphrey Bogart or Bugs Bunny be without sarcasm?  Don't leave it out, use more sarcasm.

Bible $5.20 Reduced 60%  HCSB Drill Bible (Small Edition, Burgundy Hardcover)

NEW! Sept Release:  The Official Dictionary of Sarcasm: A Lexicon for Those of Us Who Are Better and Smarter Than the Rest of You

Return to Top of Blog to See all of Sam's Posts

Friday, September 17, 2010

Why I Got Divorced

I didn't write this. I generally don't even post or read jokes I get in my eMails.  You know messy viruses attached, etc. But it came from my Cousin Vinny Ferret, and he's pretty good at making sure my machine get's locked up, fails and the harddrive crashes at least once or twice a year, so I felt good about this one.  I was thinking, oh good, he's finally gonna meet a real ferret...someone he can settle  down with. 

So here's Sarcastic Sam's Cousin Vinnie's eMail Joke, Authorship Unknown, No Known Copyright. 

Why I'm divorced . . ...

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning..  
I went downstairs for breakfast  
hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,  
'Happy Birthday!',  
and possibly have a small present for me.  

As it turned out,  
she barely said good morning,  
let alone  
' Happy Birthday.'  

I thought....  

Well, that's marriage for you,  
but the kids....  
They will remember.  

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
and didn't say a word..  
So when I left for the office,  
I felt pretty low  and somewhat despondent.  

As I walked into my office,  
my secretary Jane said,  
'Good Morning Boss, and by the way  
Happy Birthday ! '  

It felt a little better  
that at least someone had remembered.  

I worked until one o'clock ,  
when Jane knocked on my door  
and said, 'You know,  
It's such a beautiful day outside,  
and it is your Birthday,  
what do you say we go out to lunch,  
just you and me..'  
I said, 'Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing  
I've heard all day. Let's go !'  

We went to lunch.  
But we didn't go where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quiet bistro  
with a private table.  
We had two martinis each  
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.  

On the way back to the office,
Jane said, 'You know,  
It's such a beautiful day...  
We don't need to go straight back to the office,  
Do We ?'  

I responded,  'I guess not.  
What do you have in mind ?'  
She said,  
'Let's drop by my apartment,  
it's just around the corner..'  

After arriving at her apartment,  
Jane turned to me and said,
' Boss, if you don't mind,  
I'm going to step into the bedroom  
for just a moment.  
I'll be right back.'  
'Ok.' I nervously replied.  

She went into the bedroom and,  
after a couple of minutes,  
she came out  
carrying a huge birthday cake ...  
by my wife,  my kids,  
and dozens of my friends  
and co-workers,  
all singing 'Happy Birthday'.  

And I just sat there....  

On the couch....  




If you would like to link your blog to mine, no problem, or you like a funny story or two, feel free to vent. Life is better when we smile and provide the world a place to laugh. Serious blogs?  Well that's ok too, I'll get the reader, let them decide what they like.. ....Come one come all and all that good crap.  

Monday, September 13, 2010

Where Does Sam Get his Stuff?

Wow what a week.  Sam was terrified when he made a joke about taking meds...someone thought he was serious. Which is the risk of sarcasm, it makes people think....two or three times, and there is always an element of truth or seriousness in the delivery of good sarcasm. Sure it has a humorous finish, but the delivery is supposed to be direct.  Well, this Twerson actually gave Sam advise on medical procedures! Can't beat that for realism.

Sam uploaded a pic of Paris Hilton at some movie opening,  a pretty good example of a famous ferret. Poor ferret in the pic  looks like he's trying desperately to get away from Paris. You can see the pic at TwitPic.  Remember to spell Samuel_Clemons with an O and an Underscore.

One funny tendency of Sam's is to act like he has no followers, common jokes are " I GOT ONE!! I GOT ONE! " like some folks do when they get a new follower... Another funny post that seems to go over well is:  "I only need 199 more followers and I'll have 200"

More followers are tending to realize that Sam means them no harm, he can bite pretty hard when he fires off his stuff, but hey, if they unfollow it only hurts their own sense of humor, not Sam's.

A comic stopped by and made snarky about Sam only having one post hereto.  Well, let's just say Sam is parttime. He sleeps alot.  Oh, maybe 22 hours per day.  This means, he has such a good time sleeping, he couldn't be bothered with writing down the password to this blog.  So you know the drill, Blogger is owned by Almighty God, errr gOOgle.  And well, the password needed resetting, sorry for the lack of posts. Problem solved, Sam has stashed it in his sleeping bag. 

We'll see about updating it more regularly.  Sam is a writer, but to stay in character, he'll have to let you figure out where the real stuff is.  He doesn't recommend you get caught up on trying to figure that out. However, as a bonus, Sam is giving you two hashtags to follow on Twitter that will open up a whole new universe to your writing.

In the little white box on the right, the "search" box  type in  #blogchat  which is sponsored almost exclusively by LinkedIn members.  The twitterverse doesn't even know it exists, it's an inside job. The folks are no joke, professional bloggers, they get paid to do this stuff. One could do alot worse, and maybe get a job as a writer just listening to the tips in that format.  The members are intelligent, educated, and professional.

We tend to take ownership of information we find on Twitter, its all so free, and open and we automatically forget who sent us.  That will really open your eyes to some of Sam's talent, where he get's it, and how well trained at this sort of thing he is.  Remember to give Sam the credit on Twitter, and shout out any good stuff you find to him, so he can retweet you.  Remember, Sam has friends on Twitter and maybe your tweet will be seen by 60 or 70k followers.  So shout him out. 

Another one is #scriptchat which helps in character development and stick to it iveness required to follow through with scenes and characters.  #ScriptChat is no less beneficial, but Sam's advice to Scriptwriters is a bit more neurotic and character based than they are used to.  Sam uses homespun sayings like "that dog don't hunt" to spruce up movie dialogue.  That sort of thing is not what they need in #scriptchat, so he doesn't bother those folks much. 

I trust this writers' writer information is to your liking, and if not, well..... Sarcastic Sam would rather crack a few jokes on Twitter than tell you what he thinks if you don't like it.

Have a Sarcastic and Smarmy week!! 
To Learn how to get into an Internet Start up Business that works! Click Here!

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Sarcasm and Slang Hunting

  Never ask a kidder if they are being serious....Someone did that on Twitter, Sam was aghast! Got that Ferret determination to be even more sarcastic, so much so, he started a blog!! 

  We set out to find some slang and everyday sayings on Twitter, and to look for material for character development.  In order to develop the characters we wanted a trove of national slang, and not just regional.  Thus throughout the profile, you find references to slang, and conversations about whether a saying is slang, or has passed into the larger vernacular.

   Sam the sarcastic ferret actually exists, his "I don't care what you think" attitude is very ferret like of course, but in the greater scheme, he mimics alot of the funny stuff he collects on the Samuel_Clemons time line

   About the time line:  Sam has to survive on Twitter.  For him to collaborate with just writers would not do at all.  In order to collect the day to day usages he desires, he must be a regular guy...Sam has to ReTweet, shout out, post tweets, he has to be part of the culture, not just an observer.  So there are endorsements for causes,  multiple enduser RT's and obviously he RT's friends he knows and trusts, just like you do.  He also crosses all demographics.

    Peeves..There are comedians, jokesters, all kinds of content providers who follow Sam, and he has to remember that his stuff might end up as a joke in some celebrities tweet, and that has happened.  Sam just keeps on writing, entertaining and doing his "Ferret Dance for Joy" which he quite often is wont do do.

    Please submit your blog, and feel free to be sarcastic or funny or dance, or vent......Or smarmy, smarmy is good.

                 Follow Sam the Ferret at