Wednesday, August 31, 2011

squirrel pilfers a flag

nobody has questioned me for suing the squirrels. nor have i  received the usual inanities.  could it be that nobody wants to bring up the subject, and everyone i know is humoring me?  are folks just too polite to tell me i'm crazy?

they are always up to something.  if not waking me early, prowling around the window sill, stirring up the birds, or walking on my balcony~squirrels seem to have free run o the joint.  i was taking my morning paper the other day, chatting it up with uncle freddie:

"sammy, did you see that darryl hannah, wow, she's one good lookin' broad.."

me: "i had heard someth.."

"she was arrested" freddie went on, "protesting in front of the white house. something odd about the whole thing, almost as if it was ceremonial.  like the cops had prearranged it to arrest her first.  she stood up, everybody clapped, she smiled."

i just harrumphed lightly at that. 

"you could tell it was staged, almost as if she had a plane to catch, and couldn't be bothered with the plight of the actual protestors......"  freddie was describing this pointless activism as i reached for my orange juice.

and helping himself was a fat porker, his head half way down the glass, JB, for Junior Bite, son of Big Bite, who came up for air, looked at me, and gave a hearty belch.

"you always have the best breakfasts.  pass the toast."  said JB.

freddie:  "now i don't mind it so much she was protesting, i've always been a believer in standing up for one's rights, sammy, but you know it looks better if the celebrity get's locked up with the regulars......... these staged arrests are just so obviously nonsense."

i pushed the toast across the table to JB, as it appeared to be nibbled a bit already.  better to humor the nuisance, than show my righteous indignation.  free breakfast was one thing, no point in also giving him the satisfaction of seeing me flustered.   isn't that really the whole point of being a nuisance?  i knew JB would just hang around long  enough to get what he wanted, and leave, and none too soon as far as i was concerned.

"sammy you moron, are you listening? ..... well read your paper, and look for the story on the pilfering squirrel.  they've done it now, up and taken to stealing flags...some commenters even think they are patriotic!  how can you be patriotic by stealing a flag?  i gotta go sammy;  and call your mother"

at which point freddie hung up, JB noticed i tapped my  headset, and stopped munching  my toast.  at that split second he knew and i knew he was contemplating whether to push his luck, and hang around, or make himself an even larger annoyance.  the spell was broken when he whirled around, gone in a flash, carrying my toast up a tree without so much as a goodbye.

ill mannered neighbor.

Toledo Police Memorial bandit caught in the act

Furry thief last seen hightailing it back to the nest

It's not every day Toledo police catch a thief in the act, let alone with a uniformed command officer standing just feet away, watching.

But that's exactly what happened Wednesday.

For days, officers noticed that small flags were disappearing from the Toledo Police Memorial Garden at the Civic Mall, between the municipal and federal courthouses downtown. There were no suspects, no clues left at the scene to help police catch the perpetrator.

But about 7:15 a.m. Wednesday, walking into the office, Lieutenants James Brown and Mark King watched the bandit take a flag -- and a single pink plastic flower -- from the garden.

"I just saw him eyeballing it," Lieutenant Brown said. "He didn't know I was standing there."

The quick-thinking officer pulled out his cell phone to snap a picture.

Lieutenant Brown got his man. Or, well, his squirrel.

The squirrel stopped for a split-second, perhaps realizing he had been caught red-handed -- or pawed -- on film to look at the lieutenant.

Then the suspect, who police describe as a red and brown bushy-tailed critter, fled on four paws toward the Safety Building.

"He was too fast," the lieutenant said. "I couldn't catch him."

Word of the furry bandit spread quickly through the department and, before long, his whereabouts were discovered.
A squirrel's nest outside the Safety Building has at least two of the stolen flags woven into it. A squirrel's nest outside the Safety Building has at least two of the stolen flags woven into it.

The squirrel was seen Wednesday afternoon lounging on a tree branch in front of a third-floor office facing Erie Street. Woven into its tangled nest of branches and leaves were at least two of the small flags. The flower was not visible, but police believe it will be used in decorating.

The accused squirrel was unavailable for comment for this story.

No charges have been filed and police believe the squirrel acted alone in the incident.

Lieutenant Brown said it took the squirrel less than 30 seconds to get the small flag off the wooden dowel.

"He definitely knew what he was doing," the lieutenant said. "This wasn't his first time."

It's unclear how many flags have been taken from the garden, but the lieutenant said at least three are missing.

"I can't prove it was all the same squirrel," he said.

Carefully using his teeth, the squirrel cut the flag away from the post. The flag was not ripped and the wooden post was left intact.

As of deadline, it appeared the squirrel had, at least temporarily, left his nest. He is currently at large.

Contact Taylor Dungjen at: or 419-724-6054.


Above Story from The Blade, Toledo Ohio.

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Sunday, August 28, 2011

what hurricane?

i usually lay on my back, and watch cartoons on saturday mornings - until the cat slinks into the room, and in avoiding me, only attracts me to give her an impromptu dance lesson, my cartoons are forgotten,  and a Great ~Wiggling~  ensues, at least to me it's a celebration, for her, the cat, she could care less; i've resolved myself that she just doesn't like to dance, but you can't fault me for trying, so i chewed the mute button off the remote,  after turning the volume up - i've learned this is important - if the pet human can mute the TV, then it won't be able to enjoy the full surround sound effect - on full blast -  and WOW!

my cartoons were pre empted by non stop hurricane coverage!  how could this be? what is a ferret to do on his back watching this stuff? no... this would not do, and  i was taken in by the drama, first a category 3, possibly a 5, i had to stock up on poptarts and decided that the only logical thing to do was corner the market on them;  i figured if there was going to be a power outage, then i better have plenty of blueberry...

the grocery clerk's expression was a mix of speechlessness and slightly raised eyebrows over her glasses when she saw two shopping carts full of the delectable hurricane food;  "you are so cute"  and the pet human smiled back at her, thinking she was speaking to him.  she: "no not you, lil sam, he's so cute..." to which the pet human sort of smiled a grunt of acceptance...  "you really like blueberry don't you?" she asked, "oh, he has to have the shiny wrappers, he's a hoarder"  said my pet;

much the same reaction at the hardware store, the gas station, i thought it might be a good idea to oversee the entire operation, you never know when a pet human might need some assistance;

my scheme is simple: if i corner the market on blueberry, the law of supply and demand should drive the price up... it's pure logic:  by my estimates,  when the hurricane wipes the entire east coast off the map, with long lines at the soup kitchens, and Red Cross feeding troughs, i would be sitting on a gold mine, literally, not that i would willingly part with any shiny wrappers, but if my calculations were correct, i would be a rich ferret!

and this morning i awoke to the bad news:  hurricane Irene was a complete bummer;  one lady phoned in to the local newstation:  "The storm blew my dog's squeaky shark off the roof"   another said she saw a couple of leaves on her neighbor's yard... and the weather guy stationed at the beach said that Irene blew the harbor camera off by 6 or 7 degrees, evidence of it's ferocity...

The Lady Never Liked This Tree Anyway

one new york caller tweeted the washington, DC desk:  "we are asking if this storm will mean we should get a shopping bag of poptarts...."  obviously hoodwinked by the media blitz; at least i knew i was onto something; the journalist wrly commented, "no you probably won't need to stock up"

and the local news stations, rather than go back to regular programming, are STILL broadcasting this non event, are  non stop IreneCasting!  as if by sheer force of will showing pictures of a couple of downed trees, and non flooded streets of historic Alexandria, VA this will justify their hijacking of the airwaves for the last two days;  they could at least let me watch some SUNDAY cartoons, maybe the cat will change her mind, and take to dancing wif me? but no, here they are showing a couple of trees blown over, and two limbs in a couple of front yards;   all of which in hindsight makes about as much sense as... well as  ....

me trying to corner the market on blueberry poptarts.


I Tweet at @Samuel_Clemons

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

earthquakes and wiggle shakes

the new twitter seems to be a bit sticky, and we can't even go down below 200 mentions.  and they've taken to just deleting old tweets.  i wanted to record mine for posterity, so i put them here on the blog.  

my tweets post earthquake:

1.  this region overreacts to rain and snow, you can imagine how big a deal they make of this apocalyptic event

2.  the are coming back, i call shotgun!!!
then, two ladies inquired as to my well being: 

3.  my uncle freddie, sublimely has a padded toilet seat, he didn't notice a thing

4.  two wars, nato strikes, hurricane Irene, stocks are down, uemployment up... now a freakin earthquake.... i'm gonna go play golf

5.  i checked on my pet human during the quake, and used the opportunity to pilfer it's lunch....

6.  i made sure the household was outside ~ quakin n shakin' ~ merrily had free run o da place... massive

   pausing long enough to do a public service announcement: 
7.  RT @PronetworkBuild  If you felt the at all, the USGS wants to hear from you: 

8.  Bill Haley: Shake Rattle and Roll

9.  Micheal J Fox: "What quake?"

10. a moonshine still in Mineral, Va blows up, the whole area freaks out

11. the USGS has said "all the data is not in. we'll have to see how things shake out..."

12. reporters keep asking if animals acted strangely before the . it's a lil late to be worrying about that

13. no, the didnt scare me, i was too busy tryna snag the pet human's lunch....