Wednesday, August 31, 2011

squirrel pilfers a flag

nobody has questioned me for suing the squirrels. nor have i  received the usual inanities.  could it be that nobody wants to bring up the subject, and everyone i know is humoring me?  are folks just too polite to tell me i'm crazy?

they are always up to something.  if not waking me early, prowling around the window sill, stirring up the birds, or walking on my balcony~squirrels seem to have free run o the joint.  i was taking my morning paper the other day, chatting it up with uncle freddie:

"sammy, did you see that darryl hannah, wow, she's one good lookin' broad.."

me: "i had heard someth.."

"she was arrested" freddie went on, "protesting in front of the white house. something odd about the whole thing, almost as if it was ceremonial.  like the cops had prearranged it to arrest her first.  she stood up, everybody clapped, she smiled."

i just harrumphed lightly at that. 

"you could tell it was staged, almost as if she had a plane to catch, and couldn't be bothered with the plight of the actual protestors......"  freddie was describing this pointless activism as i reached for my orange juice.

and helping himself was a fat porker, his head half way down the glass, JB, for Junior Bite, son of Big Bite, who came up for air, looked at me, and gave a hearty belch.

"you always have the best breakfasts.  pass the toast."  said JB.

freddie:  "now i don't mind it so much she was protesting, i've always been a believer in standing up for one's rights, sammy, but you know it looks better if the celebrity get's locked up with the regulars......... these staged arrests are just so obviously nonsense."

i pushed the toast across the table to JB, as it appeared to be nibbled a bit already.  better to humor the nuisance, than show my righteous indignation.  free breakfast was one thing, no point in also giving him the satisfaction of seeing me flustered.   isn't that really the whole point of being a nuisance?  i knew JB would just hang around long  enough to get what he wanted, and leave, and none too soon as far as i was concerned.

"sammy you moron, are you listening? ..... well read your paper, and look for the story on the pilfering squirrel.  they've done it now, up and taken to stealing flags...some commenters even think they are patriotic!  how can you be patriotic by stealing a flag?  i gotta go sammy;  and call your mother"

at which point freddie hung up, JB noticed i tapped my  headset, and stopped munching  my toast.  at that split second he knew and i knew he was contemplating whether to push his luck, and hang around, or make himself an even larger annoyance.  the spell was broken when he whirled around, gone in a flash, carrying my toast up a tree without so much as a goodbye.

ill mannered neighbor.

Toledo Police Memorial bandit caught in the act

Furry thief last seen hightailing it back to the nest

It's not every day Toledo police catch a thief in the act, let alone with a uniformed command officer standing just feet away, watching.

But that's exactly what happened Wednesday.

For days, officers noticed that small flags were disappearing from the Toledo Police Memorial Garden at the Civic Mall, between the municipal and federal courthouses downtown. There were no suspects, no clues left at the scene to help police catch the perpetrator.

But about 7:15 a.m. Wednesday, walking into the office, Lieutenants James Brown and Mark King watched the bandit take a flag -- and a single pink plastic flower -- from the garden.

"I just saw him eyeballing it," Lieutenant Brown said. "He didn't know I was standing there."

The quick-thinking officer pulled out his cell phone to snap a picture.

Lieutenant Brown got his man. Or, well, his squirrel.

The squirrel stopped for a split-second, perhaps realizing he had been caught red-handed -- or pawed -- on film to look at the lieutenant.

Then the suspect, who police describe as a red and brown bushy-tailed critter, fled on four paws toward the Safety Building.

"He was too fast," the lieutenant said. "I couldn't catch him."

Word of the furry bandit spread quickly through the department and, before long, his whereabouts were discovered.
A squirrel's nest outside the Safety Building has at least two of the stolen flags woven into it. A squirrel's nest outside the Safety Building has at least two of the stolen flags woven into it.

The squirrel was seen Wednesday afternoon lounging on a tree branch in front of a third-floor office facing Erie Street. Woven into its tangled nest of branches and leaves were at least two of the small flags. The flower was not visible, but police believe it will be used in decorating.

The accused squirrel was unavailable for comment for this story.

No charges have been filed and police believe the squirrel acted alone in the incident.

Lieutenant Brown said it took the squirrel less than 30 seconds to get the small flag off the wooden dowel.

"He definitely knew what he was doing," the lieutenant said. "This wasn't his first time."

It's unclear how many flags have been taken from the garden, but the lieutenant said at least three are missing.

"I can't prove it was all the same squirrel," he said.

Carefully using his teeth, the squirrel cut the flag away from the post. The flag was not ripped and the wooden post was left intact.

As of deadline, it appeared the squirrel had, at least temporarily, left his nest. He is currently at large.

Contact Taylor Dungjen at: or 419-724-6054.


Above Story from The Blade, Toledo Ohio.

Follow Sam on Twitter:

Tiny URL for this Article:

More Squirrel Antics:


  1. That Uncle Freddie sure has a nose for news. Always entertaining, never dull. You excell at using dialogue to spin your tales. Great work of a morning, Sam!

    I Tweet at @ResultsRMixed

  2. Hey Sam! I gave you the Liebster Blog Award on my blog today. Feel free to hop on over and pass it on to those who deserve it!