Friday, April 29, 2011

All about Succession

Princess Diana and Prince Charles were married at St Paul's Cathedral London on 29th July 1981 in what was widely billed as a "fairytale wedding." 

On June 21, 1982 Prince William, Wales was brought into this world.

It is easy to forget with all of the pomp and pageantry, the media, the hype, the worldwide interest today that this is about succession.  The Boy who Would be King  is marrying the Girl who Would be Queen and together, they will produce the new baby who will be King or Queen.  No wonder then, that the fairytale perception is presented so well to us today, and that the duty to produce an heir is actually their official function.

As Katherine was photographed yesterday, presumably holding her dress down so the wind wouldn't blow up the soon to be Royal skirt; it struck me that she was holding her tummy ~ the ubiquitous gesture so common when women are pregnant.

Reminding me,  that her real function will be to provide the world a baby to photograph, and ogle, and fawn over; that at the moment her vows are officially completed, the proper forms filled out, and pen laid down, Katherine Middleton will cease to be, and Katherine Baby Maker will begin her new life.

Such a good job the British have done selling us on the entire process.

Such a fairy tale indeed.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

maybe i'm in trouble

visitor:  "i want to thank you for having us over for easter"

pet human:  "oh, my pleasure.  have you met sam?"

visitor:  "where are my keys?"

pet human:  "he's something else" (laughing)

vistor:  "you're not kidding"  (appalled look)


they did it all for me!  so nice of them.  such a lovely spread.  i really love my pet human.  sometimes.

                                                     my spread

but my favorite part is the blueberry pie....

pet human:  "don't show sam the pie, he will snuggle you to lure you in..."

visitor:  "he's really cute.  but he seems to be very....very..."  and tapered off.   my look stifled the remainder of the comment.  we'll never know where that was going will we?


the sound of coffee cups and conversation in the other room were my cue. 

i eased the slice of pie off the table.  down the chair.  and started across the living room.

pet human and visitor, simultaneously:  "oh my god! he's dragging the pie across the carpet!!!!" 

                                              maybe i'm in trouble

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

aren't we all writers

twitter makes us all writers. it is a "microblog"  by definition.  twitter suits don't like to think of it as a social media channel but it can be.  we can make connections on twitter.  we can type short bursts of "hi how ya doing"  to each other, and any form of connecting is networking.

inspired by a karla tweet to the tune of: "my writing coach says i need to stay off twitter and write more" i have thought about this myself.  when do i have time to write my own stuff?  i have to edit and slash other's junk and sign off.  life is so unfair.  isn't it easier to sit around the swimmy pool sip mojitos like ouchdammit and get a massage?  ( oops, i digress )

karla is writing a novel and has submitted the book to her coach and is working on adding the "impossible situations";  angst and ambiguousness of life that arise in the story line so that the characters can find a way out.  i empathise.  i've always thought we have to make our characters real by giving them a bit of the impossible to overcome.  who wants to read that i walked outside, picked up the paper, and did the crossword?  no. i need to walk outside, almost get hit by a bus, and have a beautiful mysterious stranger pick me up, drop a note anonymously into my bathrobe pocket, and see them later in the day stalking me at the cafe.

so my point is this:  twitter is writing.  we can add some mystery, humor, intrigue, sarcasm ~ even the impossible into our tweets.  tweeting is writing, and that makes us all writers.

so even if i don't get to post as much as i like, i'm still writing.  OMG!!   a beautiful stranger just rang my doorbell;  looking through the peephole, she has a very pleasant gleem in her eye.


follow sam on twitter at

Thursday, April 14, 2011

i made a mistake

"lexitab, hey, i'm over here" i whispered. he hates it when i call him lexitab. his name is lexi, and he's a tabby cat, and i have the bad habit of giving nicknames, which stick. i call sasquatch "size 24" which is taken with a sort of eye rolling droll by the big one.

annoyance turned to a befuddled look as lexi poked his head out. "get out of here sam, you're not going to have the satisfaction of ruining my doctor visit. i think i'll have my nails done, maybe a peticure, a little grooming, followed by brunch"

lexitab and i tolerate each other. i try to give him dancing lessons. granted, i forget to wake him before launching across the room in a wiggling, flippy move, and the startled dignified tabby has his precious nap interrupted, but nobody has ever accused me of lacking enthusiasm. now he just runs into the closet and hides.

i can never figure out why the reporters leave me out of these  stories:

Cat makes daring escape from surgery to avoid the dreaded snip

A trip to the vets is the last thing on any self-respecting pet's agenda. Especially when the reason for the visit is a castration.
So when Lexi the tabby cat found himself within leaping distance of an open window just minutes before his virility would be forever impaired, there was only one thing for it.
Unfortunately for owner Maria Brown, staff at the surgery didn't seem quite so alert as her two-year-old cat, and handed her a rabbit instead when she went in to collect him.            ( editor's note:  who do they think they were fooling here?  how can you mistake a rabbit for lexi? lexi has smaller ears )

Yesterday a manager at the surgery in Woosehill, near Wokingham, Berkshire, apologised for the blunder and said he had waved the £40 fee for carrying out the operation.

He added that would send Miss Brown a bunch of flowers to soften the blow of losing her beloved pet.

Miss Brown, meanwhile, spent the day frantically putting up posters along the four-mile route from the Woosehill Vets to her home in Woodley, Berkshire and was said to be too upset to talk about the missing moggy.

A friend told how Lexi made his dash for freedom as his sister Angel went through with her neutering as planned on Thursday afternoon. When Miss Brown arrived later that day to collect them, she was handed the rabbit. Staff gave her the bunny along with Angel because she had taken in 'two animals for neutering'.
It was only then when Miss Brown pointed out that she had dropped two cats off at the surgery the day before, that staff apparently realised Lexi had bolted. It emerged that Lexi had escaped through a window which had been left open in the cattery, a room behind the reception area.

The veterinary practice manager said the rabbit was handed over by mistake because it was the next one on the operating table after Angel.

He said it was 'very unusual' for a customer to leave animals at the surgery a day ahead of the operation and this had caused 'confusion' meaning staff did not realise Lexi was missing earlier at the 'very busy surgery'.

Julie Bobb, a neighbour and close friend of Miss Brown, said:  'Maria is very upset. She took two cats to Woosehill Vets for neutering and a castration and on returning the next day the female was there but the male had gone.  'To be honest the vet was very vague and we were there about three hours - they were dithering around and didn't realise the cat was missing.

'We got there, explained we had come to collect two animals and they came back with one cat and the other animal was a bunny rabbit.  'Lexi is a huge male tabby cat and he may be trying to find his way home but obviously Woosehill to Woodley is quite a way.'

The manager of the vet's practice, who did not want to be named, said they were embarrassed about what happened and had apologised.  He said: 'Cats can go missing, even in the home and that is what has happened here. Clearly we made a mistake here. We have to open the window in the cattery so the cats can get fresh air, but we have now fixed brackets to it so that it cannot be opened wide enough for an animal to escape through.

'I hope that lady will one day find the courage to forgive us. I am so very, very sorry. I can't apologise enough for what happened.

'She is right to be upset and I have contacted her two or three times to say I'm sorry.'

The manager said he was concerned what effect 'bad publicity' over the incident could have on his two year old business, and added: 'We are not proud of what has happened but I would like to say that Veterinary Board of Great Britain visited the surgery on Friday for a pre-arranged visit and said our work is so good that we would hold an open day for the people of Berkshire.'
  i won't be disclosing lexitab's whereabouts.  i could just see the wanted poster.  "Have you seen a fat cat and a smarmy white ferrret?"
  i am willing to learn from my mistakes.    i will wake lexitab for any future dancing lessons.

follow sam on twitter:

story from the Daily Mail. Jun 2010

Thursday, April 7, 2011

deer protects mother goose

"sam, i read the story about you and Big Foot.  how do you two get along?"  this in from Sandra, Lincoln, Nebraska.

thanks Sandra, i don't think it's that strange that me and Squatch are buds.  i think too many people stay in their comfort zones, writers only discussing life with other writers, doctors creating networks with other doctors, and we critters should learn to get along with different critters, excluding squirrels of course.   (it is exactly why i don't want to follow squirrels that i follow them )

if we don't get out of those comfort zones, we'll surely stagnate, and our networks won't grow, and we won't get the perspective of other cultures, other ideas.  i follow all kinds of people on twitter, and all kinds of species.

now there is a story of a deer that has been protecting a mother goose who chose to put herself into and  lay her eggs in an urn in a cemetery in buffalo, new york.  and  the story ran on  a local NBC station; who in my last blog post, i had to lecture about giving proper credit.  so i give credit to Buffalo News NBC for this story. 

seems the deer has the good sense to understand that mommy goose lost her spouse and needed protection, and the deer stepped up to the plate.

i spoke to them.  the deer understands the grief the momma goose is going through, and the goose is willing to forego her usual squawking.  they murmur to each other in the still of the night, two lonely critters in a cemetery reminded of each other's pain, needing to cry and yet to carry on in the bleak agony of pain and loss;  to show dignity in the worst of times, to live and need each other.

you see, the deer lost her spouse, and they know the other's loneliness, they know each other's lost love.  they are spiritually connected beyond understanding.

so remember the deer and the goose: get out of your comfort zone, find something in common with someone you don't usually relate to, and broaden your horizons.  remember, we need each other, and we critters need to protect all species, humans need to get along with all  humans, even if they don't talk alike or look alike.  Big Foot would be proud of ya!

follow sam on twitter:

Tuesday, April 5, 2011


i saw this tweet, and i'm a ferret, so i can't keep my nose out of anything:

NBCNews Twitter disables new version of website. Read more on service disruption: 

well this got me going, and so i tweeted them: 

Me: hey, administrative asst who handles @NBCNews if the story is by Reuters? Give them credit. Don't make it sound like NBC. #integrity

NBCNews Twitter Logo
  NBCNews: @Samuel_Clemons Good point. Thanks for feedback.

Me: ok. thx. now i want my own morning show. RT  @NBCNews @Samuel_Clemons Good point. Thanks for feedback. 

sueTandT   <Ratings War!

MortalDEELight I see Reuters updates so often being followed by other tweets by MANY that have cut the originator off--I think "thief" 

Me:  a mere ferret squeaking in the wilderness @sueTandT @MortalDEElight raging against the machine #martyr

Me:  they wouldn't call it plagiarism @MortalDEElight over at @NBCNews by failing to mention Reuters ... Didn't want to ReTweet the Competitor.

MortalDEELight A tiny, unconstrained ferret can do a lot of damage all on its own. @Samuel_Clemons @sueTandT

NBCNews:    @Samuel_Clemons Not a matter of retweeting competitor. That link was to our site but story was from Reuters. Should have been clearer. 

Me:   i appreciate your quick response, and respect you for that. @NBCNews i am no purest. see it from others, didn't expect if from NBC. 

Me:  you know, i'm a big supporter of @JimmyFallon right? @NBCNews he's the second best looking ferret on the planet. 

Me: I followed you Back: @NBCNews

No Socks were pilfered in the making of this Blog Post.  JimmyFallon is still the second best looking ferret on the Planet, and devilishly good looking.  Be it hereby known that ferrets are full of courage, and fear no living creature.  Do NOT attempt these stunts at home.  If you must rage against the machine, attack each other, point out each other's faults, get all bipolar, passive aggressive and maybe the sheer volume of your tweets will get you a trendy topic.  If anyone has seen a TV remote missing the mute, volume and on - off switch, it's probably best not to try to adjust the volume on your set, or buy a new remote.  If I have to chew the buttons of the new remote, it will resemble a dog chew toy left over from the Dog Whisperer's Pack.  What network is he on, I wonder?  

 This blog post dedicated to @FallOutGrrl and The Doc.  


Monday, April 4, 2011


contemplative is such a good word.  i know humans like it when i'm contemplative. gone is the manic frenzied pace i usually set, and a serenity settles in.  well that was probably all just a facade ~ contemplative can be misleading, i was filling out my application, and bragging about it on twitter.

"i'm filling out my application for Ferret PlayGirl..."   i tweeted ~ fishing for feedback.

when i received a most inexplicably remarkable unfathomable tweet from a critter what called hisself sam da ferret.

"I am Sam Jr the bastard offspring of Samuel_Clemons the ferret and a proud new owner of a GI Joe Hummer on weekends"  

i was astounded, perplexed, and speechless, if that is possible.  
i'd never get into Ferret Playgirl Magazine, my reputation would be ruined, i went into a fit of depression for a few days, and pondered how to handle this twist of events.  the details are written about in an earlier blog post;  enjoy yourself looking for the story.   i set out to determine the validity of the claim, and uncle freddie offered to help.  never did i expect it to take 4 months for his network of critters to do his bidding.  

uncle freddie finally called yesterday, but i've been so busy, i couldn't post anything:  "sammy, is that you?"  

"hey uncle freddie, i'm glad you....."  

"don't be a moron.  sammy, i have the birth certificate, and i'll fax it right over, do what you want with it"

and he hung up.

                                             looks pretty legit to me

Friday, April 1, 2011


"SAAAAAMMMMMM!!! You have the look... I know that look... DO NOT DIG UP THE FLOWER POT!!"

i swear, i have to work on my cute.


i was on my way to visit the snake. no telling where i'd find her, she could be wandering the streets, hiding in someone's basement. since she'd meandered off, there was no end to the commentary, late night jokes, and in some cases panic.

the bronx zoo cobra was only a baby, and i wanted to interview her for an upcoming blog post. she was like a slithering houdini... with skills like that, i had to get her on my team.

"sammy, is that you? this is your uncle freddie.."

"i know your voice, unc....."

"don't be a moron,, i can't go to the Bronx, you'll have to go yourself. how's your mother?"

"she's just fine, I...."

"sammy, if you find the snake, tell her we're rootin' for her sammy, and if she needs anything, just call us"

with that, uncle freddie hung up.


i departed the subway, the prison was not a great place to visit. anytime i go to any zoo anywhere, i get accused of starting riots, revolts and am given the evil eye by the keepers.

low profiling it, i made my way to the scene of the crime. the reptile house. i sniffed around, and was looking at her cage, welling up a bit that she was kept in a jail cell her short life.

"pssssst"  she called out. and i turned, there she was!

"psssst... over here"

"i've come to help you go free, ma'am, let's go..."  i said.  "you haven't gotten very far have you?"

"i'm not going, sammy, i'm staying.  i've been on strike...."

i replied, "that's a good line, i'll  have to remember that one"

"i just wanted to make it clear to the keepers, sammy, who's boss.  i think my message has been understood"

"well, ma'am, you could have seen the sites,  run the streets a bit.."

she replied:  "you kidding me, kid.  i get my three mice and a bed of wood aint heaven, but it's better than roaming the streets of the Bronx."


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