Wednesday, February 8, 2012

The Biggest News of the Day


Geraldo Moustache Rivera was once a fine attorney. He sat in his office listening to the police scanner, and raced to the scene of automobile accidents. Very opportunistic. Having tried his luck at being a shyster he went into Journalism. Then TV. Then he wrote a tell all book where he confessed to having sex with anything that moved. Quite a career. So I have learned that one has to be pretty fast getting to the good stories before the attorney/journalists.

So it is wif my Twitter Attorney, @PiperBayard who is now a professional belly dancer, blogger, and story chaser. One time I was gonna do a story on the lost pygmies of Borneo - I get to Borneo, she's in the jungle teaching them how to surf the Internet.  Then I was gonna send my Uncle Freddie to Sweden to do a story on hot new massage techniques... He get's off the plane, and to his first appointment: There's @PiperBayard soaking in the hot tub!!

So it goes in the rough and tumble world of the sleuth. We eat our own young if we have to. Let alone our attorney. (Officially, I don't think they are edible) Her headline today? Marriage Proposals and Bass Boats. http://piperbayard.wordpress.com/2012/02/08/marriage-proposals-and-bass-boats-the-love-doctors/  I mean, how was I to compete wif dat???? So I went out and scoured the entire Internet. Searched 54 Billion pages, did a quick speed read, and found a couple of hot topics.

_________________________________

Absolutely Shocking!! hard to fathom the depravity of some pet humans!!

no, they are not streaking across golf courses, no they are not TIVOing American Idol, no, even worse!! 19,000 have “Liked” a Facebook page of In Bread Cats!!!

IN BREAD CATS ARE HOT ON THE INTERNET




And their Counterpart, which only has 20 “Likes” STOP INBREAD CATS http://www.facebook.com/pages/Stop-inbread-cats/279411745404122 has some catching up to do.

It is interesting to note that "STOP INBREAD CATS"   A.  Is not very popular and B. Has absolutely no problem using a cat in a piece of bread on his Facebook.

And of course, we can't be too high brow here, so a little story that is more mainstream:

MAN SAYS RETRIEVER STRANGLED HIS WIFE 




yea, blame the lovely dog. The author of that story is right. This guy should get extra time, just for saying the doggy did it.

I also beat @PiperBayard on this one:

MAN ESCAPES ZOMBIES BUT NOT THE COPS


(Reuters) - South African police have arrested a suspected fraudster for impersonating the award-winning traditional singer Khulekani Kwakhe "Mgqumeni" Khumalo, who died in 2009.
The unnamed man, who appeared in court in the eastern KwaZulu-Natal province on Tuesday, had said he had not died but was kidnapped by a witchdoctor who cast a spell on him and imprisoned him in a cave with zombies, local media reported.
Thousands of people in Khumalo's rural eastern home village of Esiggumeni, turned out to see the man at the weekend. Riot police with truncheons and water cannons were deployed to keep the crowd under control.
"I have always been alive," he was quoted as telling the crowd by the Independent Online news site. "I have lost a lot of weight but it is me."
Police said the suspect's fingerprints do not match those of the famed singer. The man also does not have the same scars on his face as Khumalo had.
"Detectives conducting the enquiry were convinced that the matter required criminal investigation," police said in a statement. (Ed Note: chuckle, chuckle)

_______________________________________________
please leave your Twitter handle in the Comment Section below when commenting

for more useless drivel, and other interesting links, read his timeline, and
follow sam on Twitter at http://Twitter.com/Samuel_Clemons 


p.s.  also, so you don't think you can outwit her.  I once asked PiperBayard: "Have you lived in Colorado all your life?"  she replied:  "Not Yet"


18 comments:

  1. If I have like 50 in bread cats, will I have to keep some in the freezer so they don't go stale? (I tweet at @lesliehedrick)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. an inbread cat may be kept until the expiration date. if they tend to wander off, you must change the bread slices with new, fresh slices.

      Delete
  2. Lol. I have to tip my hat to you, Sammy. You totally scooped me on these headlines.

    So if you butter the bread on an In Bread Cat and drop it ten feet, will the cat land on its face? Just wondering.

    Thanks so much for the laugh and the shout outs, you awesome ferret, you. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. pursuant to the Inbread Cat Assoc. guidelines, it says: "Try not to Butter Them, spread pate' or other delectables thereupon. The cat may in fact eat it's own bread, or in the very least, get all OCD about it, and this will drive them crazy trying to lick it. And Yes, we get this question all the time, it WILL make the In Bread cat quite face heavy. But we assure you, it will land on it's feet. But, being a cat, it will not be embarassed, indeed, the cat will go back to licking the pate"

      that's all I could find on the subject, Piper, thanks for asking such a great question

      Delete
  3. Hey, I had a black lab named Thorndyke. He would hug me so tight I couldn't breath! It wasn't until he snapped my second pair of glasses that I realized we needed to snuggle back to back. My shirt would still pull tight around my neck as he circled to get in close but I believe I'm alive today thanks to his accomodating this change. @rudywg

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. i've sent this remarkable story to my Uncle Freddie, who moonlights as an NCI investigator at Joe's Pub. he get's all kinds of mysteries over there... he's run test on Boilermakers, The Long Island Iced Tea Mystery, and of Course, Who had the Sex on the Beach.

      Uncle Freddie was posed your circumstances, and asked for his opinion.

      his response was, "Tell her to come down here, and we'll see how this pet human snuggles"

      that's all i had time to do, but i'll get some more data after he sober's up

      Delete
  4. First things First;-
    I find I share the the curiosity of Piper Bayard, have we established if the cat land's on it's feet.

    The surfeit of people looking for a cause is always quite stunning.. the latest surfacing of the type http://www.facebook.com/pages/Stop-inbread-cats/279411745404122 is as mentioned completely falling fowl of its own protest ( they hope to win by duplicity).

    The black RETRIEVER accused of killing the mans wife.. is far more entertaining then the "Twinkie defense" but falls short of an OJ defense due to the absence of a car chaise.

    I am of the opinion the man should be be subject to euthanasia & the dog engage a Hollywood agent. Piper to oversee the contract of course.

    The Zombies are not to be messed with ...so go in peace & no comment!

    Sammy your fearless reporting ... is simply at least three superlatives, if I could but remember them......

    So flagrantly quote the following for your approval:-
    adjective . 1. of the highest kind, quality, or order; surpassing all else or others; supreme; extreme: superlative wisdom. 2. Grammar. of, pertaining to, or noting the highest ...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. yes, as noted in the piece, how can a site be "against" in bread cats while also using an in bread cat on their Facebook page. I have sent Big Foot to explore this dilemma, and he howls and rages at the fact that no laptop yet invented by humankind is strong enough that he doesn't smash it with his big paws.

      the black retriever is indeed one beautiful doggy. i think the guy is jealous. with those kinds of stunning good looks, i am claiming that the retriever is a ferret, as no dog could look that good.

      i am not afraid of Zombies myself, although @PiperBayard wrote a piece on them a few months back. i don't see what the fascination is with trying to kill them, they are already dead.

      and as to your use of superlatives, i have taken to preferring the hyphenated superlative like "Top-Notch" or in my writer friends case, the multiple action verb, pointed superlative: "You Rock" ... there is always the faithful standby: His Royal Awesomeness

      the most exalted superlative that i bestow is "Non Douche Bag" which get's mixed results...

      i don't know why

      Delete
    2. Notes for His Royal Awesomeness;-
      Think we should DNA the dog, to defeat possible claims of bias.
      Funding for the devcelopment of Big Foot computer should be part of your campaign for President, given equel prominance to napping on the campaign trai.
      Awesome factual point re Zombies... which I think is under reported.
      Superlatives I believe will be an on going issue as I hate to repeat myself...
      The "Non Douche Bag" could pose intelectual challenges to the the two legged members of your following.. & I am afraid may have to be ignored by your awesomeness. Master may like to ponder some alternatives....

      I hope my observations have been to some purpose...

      Delete
  5. Don't put jelly on those in-bread cats...makes a mess all over, and then you're picking hairs off your toast. Do you toast the bread before or after the cat's face is in it? ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Actually, pursuant to the Guidelines, mentioned above in Piper's Reply, it says here: "Do NOT Toast Your In Bread Cats in a toaster. But if you have an old toaster oven, and want to line it with soft stuff, they look in, play wif it a while, then turn it over to the ferrets, who find it a perfectly enjoyable place to hide and take a nap"

      If you can find anymore great ideas, let me know. I like da nap part.

      Delete
  6. This was so much fun Sammie, but beware! Ima thinkin' of infringing on @PiperBayard's world traveling schedule & implying under the 'guise' of a regular women's group where she leads the belly dancing, we may get to plottin' 'revenge on da ferret'...... #wink #smile
    * * *
    Oh & P.S. Piers Morgan's 'opportunistic' makes Geraldo's 'opportunistic' seem sweeter than a convent nun.
    * * *
    I'm @grammakaye on twitter

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. i have noted your rage against the machine of late regarding Piers ( I didn't do anything wrong, I'm rich, and I ruin lives, so leave me alone ) Morgan.

      it's nice to have a pet peeve to rage against. i do the same with the squirrels. as you know, i've had to elicit the support of spies @ouchdammit BigFoot, Harriet the Horse, and an endless stock of critters who've been hired by my Uncle Freddie to monitor them, and keep track of their hijinx. by my estimate, my expenses have climbed into the hundreds of thousands of dollars per year for all this.

      and I'm only suing for disturbing the peace.

      nobody ever accused me of doing anything half way

      Delete
  7. Curiosity killed the in-bread cat, too.

    Once an inbread cat jumps up on a hot stove for the first time, he'll never do that again. And of course, he'll never jump up on a cold one, either.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Hum.... In Bread Ferrets. There has to be a market for that, but I can't think of a good person to get the ball rolling. Professional Hit Dogs? I see a market for them too. @piperbayard has a alligator wrangling cat over at her place today, and it is a fearless, carb free puss. Keep trying, Sam-O. You came close to besting her, but... not yet. :D

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. oh, so that's how it goes, huh? i get the scoops of all scoops, but no credit? i got my eye on ya!!

      professional hit dogs!! now that's an idea!!

      UNCLE FREDDIE!!! Get over here!! i just thought of somethin'

      Delete
  9. Samuel you missed a big news day... on January 9 of this year Beezow Doo-Doo Zopitty Bop Bop arreste news.yahoo.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Bifocals are causing me to misspell...

      Delete