Sunday, February 5, 2012

Shopping Got Me Into Family Counseling

 I have found pet humans to be quite entertaining if they can't find a way to lower the volume. We were at an important pet human meeting a couple of weeks ago which conflicted at that very moment, with Scooby Doo on Cartoon Network.  One of my favorites!!  I cranked up the volume, and voila'

  That was the end of that meeting.

I was not happy to miss the finale of the show. To console me, the pet human said: “Don't give me that look, Sammy.  Not once in the history of Scooby Doo, have he and Shaggy NOT found the bad guy... you know how it ends” … still, it's nice to know whether the dastardly deed was done by the caretaker or the old man in town dressed in a wig.

Today, I found myself in da therapist's office for what is called: “family counseling” wif my pet human. Not as spiffy as my therapist's office, but not bad. I kept my eye on da tv remote on her sofa armrest, in case I wanted to nibble the mute button.

The therapist to pet human: “We've covered this before. You and Sammy should not go shopping together. Are ferrets even allowed in stores?”

Pet Human: “They make exceptions for Sam”

Yea, right. The pet human likes an audience. I ham it up for the cashiers.

Therapist: “There was that time he talked you into cornering the market on Pop Tarts, and you overdrew your bank account, and I had to calm you down over the phone”

The tv remote was looking mighty good. I knew I wuz missing re runs of Sienfeld.

Pet Human: “He convinced me that we would get rich, you know, supply and demand.”

Therapist: “Or the time he influenced you to buy all the plastic spoons, because he likes to play with them, and you realized you really can't do anything with a closet full of plastic spoons”

The therapist saw me looking toward the TV remote, probably confused that I was paying her rapt attention.   

Pet Human: “I can't eat ice cream with them, they break off in  the carton, but they work once it softens up a bit”

I couldn't believe these two. The dog and cat aren't forced to endure such madness.

Human: “He conned me into it this time. I said I was going to 7-11, and he jumped in the car, and threatened to crawl into the back, and I'd never find him”

Therapist: “You need to establish boundaries with Sam”

This was the part where Cramer talks Jerry into peeing in the parking lot, they couldn't find the car, and Jerry get's belayed by Security.  I knew I  was missing it.

Human: “Then somehow, he urged me toward the grocer instead of 7-11”

Therapist: “It would also help if you set a budget before you leave the house”

I wiggled into the therapist's lap, gave her a snuggle, she responded with a noticeable, albeit small smirk, almost a smile, a very small one. 

Ascentmindedly, she stroked my white fur, gently, as I eyed the remote.

Human: “And when we got there, he just kept saying: 'dat one, dat one, dat one'  in a very insistent tone”

Therapist: “We all want to take care of those we love” she was now on my side, some therapist.

So I snagged the TV remote, without too much fuss, and lept off the sofa arm.

Human: “And he wouldn't stop. 'Dat one. Dat one....and dat one' we had three cartloads of stuff, I don't even know what half of it is. I just bought it. It's like he's got mind control tricks”

I found Seinfeld, and cranked up the volume.

Startled, the Therapist thought she could get the remote handily. Instead, I knawed off the volume, and mute buttons for good measure.

That ended the family counseling session. So much for boundaries.

Oh. Cramer, Jerry and Elaine found the car.


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  1. *PHEW* I was worried you'd miss the finale of that one too...cuz unlike Scooby Doo, those don't always end the same. :)

    1. it was a close call, @NoSpankYou if i missed dat episode, i mighta had to call my therapist.

  2. I've read where one spouse or the other has a hidden, secretive credit card problem, or one of the buys stuff from the Internet, and can't stop. Shopping is therapy for some folks. They get depressed, and they spend their money.

    You of course, make it sound funny, Sam, as always, the manic crazy antics of a mass manipulator would end in your watching your fav show, and the humans foiled again.

    Shrewd as always.

    I Tweet at @ProNetworkBuild

    1. well, at least i have plenty of plastic spoons to play wif.

  3. I needed this laugh today, Sam. Thank you.

    1. glad you did. except, except, well, @PiperBayard ... um, it was well, (plays wif my paw on da carpet, looks down, lolligagging head) it was a serious piece.

    2. Yes. But the title gave me a laugh.

      I had a family member when I was growing up who overran credit cards and even drove home a new car without first talking to Spouse. So I know a shopping addiction can destroy not only the life of the person with the problem, but the lives of those around them.

      For what it's worth, in the past, I have found it helped me to deal in cash only. I literally divided my cash into jars in my sock drawer, with each jar labeled, and I did not allow myself to go to the bank. A way of dieting by isolating myself from unhealthy foods. Archaic in this world of online shopping and banking, but still possible, and it worked for me.

      Good luck, Sammy. I hope your pet human finds new ways of disciplining himself and soothing himself before you chew up too many TV remotes. :)

  4. It is very clearly all about control issues.....compounded by the literal & figurative. Now I am confused...but still laughing.

    1. i couldn't help myself, those rubber buttons beckoned .... they were magic!!!

  5. Wow, what an adventure - I'm glad you decided to nibble the remote. Those keys are nice and gummy, you know. Just stay away from mine. If you can find it. I have three boy humans who are constantly hiding it somewhere.

    I tweet at @kbowenwriter

    1. maybe i should take lessons from them!! do they chew up the tips o' shoelaces? those are pretty good.

  6. One of my favorite episodes of Seinfeld - LOVE that you tied this post up with that. Another entertaining read. ~wiggle~wiggle~


    1. you caught that did you? @ThatGalKiki ...?? mmmm yes. they were shopping at the mall in that episode!! you win the Ferret Editor Award for General Associative Memory Technigue Demonstrations by a Pet Human on Sam's Blog Award... very prestigious. a bit of subconscious storytelling, i suppose...

  7. So that's what's really going on behind chronic shoppers and hoarders...their ferrets made them do it!
    (tweet at @lesliehedrick)

    1. yea, blame da ferret... by the way, would you buy me some batteries for my GI Joe Hummer? thanks.

  8. Sammy the couch is the best part- YOU missed the fun... Did she have a tv on the ceiling?

    1. if you don't put your twitter handle in the comment, I can't write to you. i'm Union

  9. I knew it! Sam - you've been hiding in my purse when I go shoe shopping, haven't you? Yelling "dat one, dose ones, more, more, more".

  10. i want some o' those cupcake cups, cupcake cups, cupcake cups.... all of dem!!

  11. mmmm huh Sammy Sam Sam! ~ My retail therapy is winning at 'strugglenomics' ~ getting the best deals I can for necessary household goods & groceries with the least amount of time invested in having to do so.....and I always manage to capture of few items each outing that would make your ferret heart sing. While poptarts are not on the list, I never fail to bring the boxes of brownie mix home!
    * * *
    As for the best therapy possible, sit your pet human down at home & turn on something like the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills....programs like these are so much more 'cost effective' than a therapist's office & your pet human will have more shopping money then. xoxo luv g-ma ~ I'm @grammakaye on twitter.

  12. Whoah this weblog is wonderful i love studying your posts. Stay up the great work! You already know, many individuals are looking round for this info, you can help them greatly.

  13. what an adventure. So thats what is all about.

    family counseling ma

  14. Did you digest the buttons? (@kseniaanske)

  15. Well Sam,
    YOUR GOOD! What is it about MEN & REMOTES? I just don't get you or my husband on that one! LOL...I'm loving your blog posts! Hope your having a good weekend. Sorry about having to go to therapy, you have now joined the "Club".... Great Blog! Hugs & Blessings,
    Author, Cat Lyon & TY for the funny tweets too! :-)