Where DO these rumors start?

i've been accused of being a narcissist on occasion.  i'm working on dat. i can't help it everyone wuvs me.  since the entire Universe revolves around me, it's hard to argue with the facts.

i've been accused of being a slacker, that one is also probably true.  the more the editors and publishers call for my work, the more i hang up on them, and laugh.  they're  drunks and perverts, ask them.

all kinds of rumors swell to a raging inferno, and i don't do anything to dispel them, "is Sam insane?"  "does he really have twin masseuses"  "does he actually drink blueberry juice"  -  ha! let the world wonder

there was that rumor, properly expounded upon herein where i wuz supposedly the father of one "Sam da Ferret" where i posted the dubious birth certificate.

but this latest rumor is sleazy, maybe it's even ruinous, detrimental to my reputation.  so i have taken the time today to actually address this rumor, face it head-on, and not let it fester....

it started with a facebook posting of a hedgehog (name withheld to protect the unbearably cute from rabid packs of wild fans)

and oh yea, it's on baby! i'm calling out the guilty party on this one.  i know those rumor mongers like to practice their nefarious arts in secret, whisper campaigns after all don't work well when the whisperer is exposed.  wild rumors cloak themselves clandestinely.  i am obligated therefore to let this one out da bag.

it was Laura Fisher @baisebeige she blatantly started the rumor that i am into eating hedgehogs....

DON'T FAINT!!  don't pass out.  please, maintain your composure here, we run a decent, family oriented blog.  some righteous indignation is probably ok, but don't write your congressperson just yet.  i can defend myself, and i will.

you might remember Laura from the post i wrote "It's the Small Pleasures"  in which i let Laura get the last word on a complete bit of insanity (note, most of my posts involve full blown insanity, dysfunctional relatives, or missing socks, so if you were hoping it was going to get better, it doesn't)

Laura posted the hedgehog pic on her facebook, and then dragged me through the toilet bowl, and all the ensuing vortex of rumors that might swell around such flushing, to wit:   It also says owls and FERRETS are natural predators! Samuel Clemons Please, oh please, tell me it ain't true!

such guile, such manipulation, Laura.  i know your kind.  you hide behind the caveat of rationalisation, i know.  "tell me it ain't true" ha! so you've forced me to defend myself.  i have to write a blog post now, just to maintain my own righteous indignation, one of the many indulgences that will most likely cause me to call my therapist.

let me set the record straight.  wild ferrets such as the Roaming Gypsy Hippy Black Footed Ferrets who practice the Way of the Great Pop Tart, yes they eat prairie dogs.  (when visiting, i prefer mine wif mustard) ....OK, I SAID IT!! they eat prairie dogs.  cute eats cute out there in the wild west.  hey, i've heard of worse.  

Ferrets are Carnivores

ferrets are carnivores ok!  but some of us are cultured, refined, above the mere lusts and cravings of mortal critters.  i for one come from a great line of ratters.  we chased rats, and if we cornered them, we'd eat them.  but i don't chase rats.  i've sought treatment for my problems, i've attended a 12 step program, i admit i HAD a problem, but i've overcome the rat addiction.

is it demeaning to defend myself? maybe.  but here goes:  i have become a reformed ferret.  i have made friends wif da mice.  on cold nights harold stumbles across the living room, and in his cups, can't find his way home.  harold often makes his way to my hammock, and curls up.  he doesn't feel threatened, and i don't even want to eat Harold.  we've become buddies.

Harold Sometimes Drinks Too Much

as to the nasty rumors that i eat hedgehogs?  well, i hope i have defended myself, nay, acquitted myself. 

and if anyone sees dat Laura around, pls tell her that i am a civilised ferret

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