Monday, April 9, 2012

Where DO these rumors start?

i've been accused of being a narcissist on occasion.  i'm working on dat. i can't help it everyone wuvs me.  since the entire Universe revolves around me, it's hard to argue with the facts.

i've been accused of being a slacker, that one is also probably true.  the more the editors and publishers call for my work, the more i hang up on them, and laugh.  they're  drunks and perverts, ask them.

all kinds of rumors swell to a raging inferno, and i don't do anything to dispel them, "is Sam insane?"  "does he really have twin masseuses"  "does he actually drink blueberry juice"  -  ha! let the world wonder

there was that rumor, properly expounded upon herein where i wuz supposedly the father of one "Sam da Ferret" where i posted the dubious birth certificate.

but this latest rumor is sleazy, maybe it's even ruinous, detrimental to my reputation.  so i have taken the time today to actually address this rumor, face it head-on, and not let it fester....

it started with a facebook posting of a hedgehog (name withheld to protect the unbearably cute from rabid packs of wild fans)


and oh yea, it's on baby! i'm calling out the guilty party on this one.  i know those rumor mongers like to practice their nefarious arts in secret, whisper campaigns after all don't work well when the whisperer is exposed.  wild rumors cloak themselves clandestinely.  i am obligated therefore to let this one out da bag.

it was Laura Fisher @baisebeige she blatantly started the rumor that i am into eating hedgehogs....

DON'T FAINT!!  don't pass out.  please, maintain your composure here, we run a decent, family oriented blog.  some righteous indignation is probably ok, but don't write your congressperson just yet.  i can defend myself, and i will.

you might remember Laura from the post i wrote "It's the Small Pleasures"  in which i let Laura get the last word on a complete bit of insanity (note, most of my posts involve full blown insanity, dysfunctional relatives, or missing socks, so if you were hoping it was going to get better, it doesn't)

Laura posted the hedgehog pic on her facebook, and then dragged me through the toilet bowl, and all the ensuing vortex of rumors that might swell around such flushing, to wit:   It also says owls and FERRETS are natural predators! Samuel Clemons Please, oh please, tell me it ain't true!

such guile, such manipulation, Laura.  i know your kind.  you hide behind the caveat of rationalisation, i know.  "tell me it ain't true" ha! so you've forced me to defend myself.  i have to write a blog post now, just to maintain my own righteous indignation, one of the many indulgences that will most likely cause me to call my therapist.

let me set the record straight.  wild ferrets such as the Roaming Gypsy Hippy Black Footed Ferrets who practice the Way of the Great Pop Tart, yes they eat prairie dogs.  (when visiting, i prefer mine wif mustard) ....OK, I SAID IT!! they eat prairie dogs.  cute eats cute out there in the wild west.  hey, i've heard of worse.  


Ferrets are Carnivores


ferrets are carnivores ok!  but some of us are cultured, refined, above the mere lusts and cravings of mortal critters.  i for one come from a great line of ratters.  we chased rats, and if we cornered them, we'd eat them.  but i don't chase rats.  i've sought treatment for my problems, i've attended a 12 step program, i admit i HAD a problem, but i've overcome the rat addiction.

is it demeaning to defend myself? maybe.  but here goes:  i have become a reformed ferret.  i have made friends wif da mice.  on cold nights harold stumbles across the living room, and in his cups, can't find his way home.  harold often makes his way to my hammock, and curls up.  he doesn't feel threatened, and i don't even want to eat Harold.  we've become buddies.

Harold Sometimes Drinks Too Much



as to the nasty rumors that i eat hedgehogs?  well, i hope i have defended myself, nay, acquitted myself. 

and if anyone sees dat Laura around, pls tell her that i am a civilised ferret

_____________________________________________________


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support legalisation in california http://www.indiegogo.com/TheFerretSquad
 


17 comments:

  1. Sammy....can not linger; rushing off to visit my therapist after such scurrilous comments na whisper campaign as perpetrated by the ill-conceived comments of Laura Fisher @baisebeige !! Which have been seriously detrimental to my nervous system, so it just remains for me admire your amazing fortitude & indeed restraint in your erudite response. Bravo HRH amazing ferret that your are.~~wiggle ~ wiggle~

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. yes. i know. i have to endure all kinds of slanderous stuff .. leave me here to wallow in it, Sue

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  2. Thank you for clearing up this matter. I will no longer be afraid to visit. And you have inspiried me to come clean. You see, I used to have a rat-eating addiction myself. (No, I'm not a ferret, just a "regular" girl). And I worried that hanging out with you might reignite my rat addiction, which took me so long to overcome. Thank goodness that's not the case!

    @lesliehedrick

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  3. LOL!!! Oh my goodness, Oh my goodness!! Your use of colloquialisms, small print, the whole thing is amazing. Nice to see you take down your own profession a peg or two. You are always willing to laugh at yourself. I admire you for that. I don't comment as much as I should, but to think you do this completely for fun, and just to kill a few minutes? I swear you could make a story up from thin air.

    Don't let Harold catch cold, Sam. Make sure he has a blanket. Passed out with a mouse... My Goodness!!

    I Tweet (rarely) at @ResultsRMixed

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    Replies
    1. good to see ya, old boy! wow! to what do i owe this visit? Harold's ok. i think the cat might eye him one night tho. thanks for the well wishes

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  4. It's okay... Let them talk and say what they will! The truth always comes to light.

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    Replies
    1. tis true. first it's hedgehogs, then mice, where will it end. the horror, the horror!!!

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  5. Samuel you are much smarter sticking with your poptarts, pie and big breasted women with lots of cleavage... your much safer in that way...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. big breasted women? where? i must have the wrong blog!!

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  6. Hey, Sammy - you're only enabling Harold. If you eat him, he'll learn his lesson. LOL!

    K.B. Owen
    @kbowenwriter

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    1. yea, but if i eat him then he won't be around to get anything from what he learned.. hey wait a minute!! here i am thinking of eating Harold!!

      HAROLD!!!! Come here

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  7. Lol. And if you did decide to eat Harold as Kathy recommends, at least he wouldn't taste gamey since he's not afraid of you.

    Reading this makes me think of Finding Nemo and the sharks in the 12-step group. "Fish are friends, not food."

    Remember, Sammy. One day at a time, and easy does it. :) I'm pulling for you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. yes, well. at least i have a system in place for daily spiritual growth. that's half the battle.

      if i ever run out of food??? mmmmmm i have to guard against rationalising

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  8. "Let's give 'em something to talk about, smiling faces, smiling faces, dirty laundry, something is dreadfully wrong for I feel a deep burning pain in my baa aaa aack"
    * * *
    I hope you never 'sheesh-ka-bob' Harold. Perish that thought, Sammy! For it you the GREAT ferret o the Pop Tart that has taught me, you can't chose your relatives.
    * * *
    I issue you my 'not guilty' on eating hedgehogs.
    * * *
    While I do believe in 'personal responsiblily' this story illustrates, while Facebook 'exists', it can also be used as 'the devil's toolbox'.
    * * *
    Forgive Laura (@basebeige) for at the very least she sparked response and a most excellent blog post. Keep an eye on her though.
    * * *
    Ima @grammakaye on twitter.

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  9. Like Harold, sometimes I drink too much and end up in strange hammocks. Lucky for me, they've been vegetarian hammocks. Harold's blessed that you're a reformed miceaholic.

    Thanks for making me grin. I needed it after this day. :D

    I RT the good stuff @jonesbabie

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