“Sam is inconsolable. I'm leaving him
with you” said the pet human. “he has been moping around da
house, he won't write. He's watched cartoon planet on the sofa for
24 hours straight, and the cat called him a freak” I was
unceremoniously disposed of at the therapist's office. I think the
pet human made a dash for the car just a little too delighted by the
prospect of getting rid of me. I detected a bit of skip there.
“Come on Sam” she said, “You
can't just lay there, you have to say something. Talk to me”
“You are the last person I want to
talk to” I said.
“Now, Sammy. That wasn't nice”
Defensively, like any good therapy patient, I said, “You're not supposed to attack me, I'm vulnerable. What do I pay you for, anyway?”
“You haven't paid me in months!”
she said “Now come on, tell me what's wrong”
So I launched into my story:
“Well, I started an imaginary
business on my blog. I offer to be a fake boyfriend on Facebook.
You know, go on people's Facebook, and flirt, and make pet
humans jealous. I even found a bossomy woman, wif big a bosom who had a ferret in her bosom and posted that on the faux business ad to drum up faux customers”
 |
| did i say bosom? |
“You offered a... You did this?
Ha! That's funny. So creative..... Eeerrrr, well, And how's that working out?”
she prompted me. (link to faux business ad: http://samuelclemons.blogspot.com/2011_03_01_archive.html )
“Well, nobody actually took me up
on it. It was mostly a satirical thing. I was making fun of a
service, I did get one gal who wanted to put me
down as her “In a relationship With” status.. you know, just as a
joke
“I didn't mind, it was just a way to poke fun at some other outfit, so I said sure. Her name was Alice....
“And then the other day, I got a
Text: 'Dear Sam, I am getting questions from pet human clients
about dating a... well.. I have to take you off my Facebook status'
“And I didn't really think
anything of it. I hadn't exactly kept my end of the bargain.
I didn't go on Facebook and make any of her friends jealous, I didn't
post any sexy ferret one liners....I didn't say 'hey baby, wanna wiggle' or anything juicy. Besides, I think her clients may have questioned her sanity. So at first I was O.K.
“Until that dreadful moment
when I heard the Verizon Commercial. You know the one? Where the
gal says: 'Any second now, she's gonna learn her boyfriend has
changed his relationship status, wait for it, 3, 2, 1 ….and then
the girl shrieks!!!!!!
“That really hit me. Maybe
Alice was embarassed to be seen wif a ferret? Maybe I really cost
her clients, they think she's a nut and I'm a loser? Maybe I'm not good enough? Maybe I
will cause the very fabric of the Universe to be rent asunder, and
worlds will collide!!! But, but, what hit me? I realised I'd been
dumped... or was gonna be dumped. I've never been dumped. And even if I were to be dumped, I'd never gotten a text beforehand that I might be dumped.
"I got the Pre Dump Explanation
Text Dump Prior to being Facebook Relationship Status Changed Dump
...it's been terrible, I can't write, the cat and dog want me to leave and find my own apartment, I haven't had a bath in what, like 12 hours? and now I have to come here and
talk to you, and miss all my Scooby Doo episodes” I
finished with that. I figured i'd put the self pity trip on the
therapist for good measure.
She said: “OK. Let me get
this straight. You had a fake service.....”
“Satirical... or faux” I
interrupted her.
She continued: “You had a
faux service you never had any intention of really offering, that you
used as a literary device. A friend of yours and you thought it
would be funny to post each other as “In a Relationship With” on
Facebook, but really were not in a relationship. So you had a faux
relationship with a faux girlfriend, to discontinue this errr. faux status, she texted you ahead of time, and even told you this, so as not to surprise you, which is more than most people would do for a real relationship, even though it
never existed in the first place? Is that what you are telling me?
And now you are upset over this, and watching Scooby Doo for 24 hours
straight, and driving the Pet Human and the Cat crazy, and you think
this is normal Sam?”
“Well when you put it that
way, I guess it's not all that bad. I haven't gone onto Facebook. For all I know, Alice hasn't even changed her status. Thanks for listening.”
I skipped out, once again without paying
her.
________________________________________________
pls leave your twitter handle in the body of the comment, if you so chose to leave a comment
follow my faux girlfriend on Twitter: http://twitter.com/AliceMartin8
ha...ha...ha... Thank goodness you didn't hit the Ben & Jerry tub, as well!
ReplyDeletewild mountain spring blueberry ? i could take a baffy in dat
DeleteNice Blog updation. I saw few post in your blog is really excellent.Its more useful to other.
ReplyDeleteyes, it's important to know how these wild schemes of mine turn out in the end isn't it? you should see the last time i went in to the therapist... i got blamed for a shopaholic's addiction...
DeleteThat's hysterical Sammy! I needed that. It's too bad that being seen as "in a relationship with" a ferret is discriminated against in our online social society, but such is the case. Glad you could talk about it.
ReplyDeleteyes, the species profilers are horrendous... and i wasn't driving on the Jersey Turnpike late at night, and back talking to the cops... i hear they hate ferrets.. or California...oh boy! they want us in their cheap romantic comedies but we never get the action roles!! and don't get me started on those whorish meerkats, pumping out babies like ... like... well meerkats, or the squirrels!! don't get me going on them either!!! where's that therapist's phone number, i better wake her up!!
DeleteIt will be okay Sam. . .hope you feel cheered up soon.
ReplyDelete@NotesFrom2Half
as long as i don't have to pay for the abuse i'm good.. the money i saved by stiffing the therapist? well i put it to good use. i called the twin masseuses, and they came over, giggling, carrying on, and gave me a nice tummy rub.
DeleteNow then Sammy, this is your previously ignored faux relationship; which is a sort of once the well runs dry tale. Rejection is always difficult which is why most humans either avoid it or instigate it to avoid it!!! Being an awesome ferret I suppose is some what different...after all even "da cat & dog really luv you" & your relationship with Big foot is wondrous. Which all proves our reality is so often better then our fantasy.
ReplyDeleteyou are so correct!!! for all i know, it was the two pieces of canadian bacon that i pilfered from the egg mcmuffins what done it.. they were sitting there. i could see them sticking out, just the edges. and thought: "now those look like two wonderful breakfast steaks for a critter like me" and i took one under the sofa, and then the other, which i didn't bother to take to the sofa... well, well, well.
Deleteby the time i was all filled up wif da canadian bacon breakfast, i didn't wanna move.
and the whole faux girlfriend thing was probably a misdiagnosis on my part, now that i think about it.
i gotta cut down on that mcdonald's food!!
Ahhh the Canadian bacon or indeed any bacon much to tempting to resist..Truly the panacea for all ill's.
DeleteLOL, Sammy! There are worse things that a Scooby Doo marathon, you know. Glad you're over it, though!
ReplyDeleteK.B. Owen
@kbowenwriter
did i ever tell you the one about the old man in town who wanted to started a haunted house and charge admission? scooby said: "Shaggy, is dat you?" i wuv dat part
DeleteNow I understand the rest of the story... U2RCL
ReplyDeleteyes, there are other visits to the therapist in my journeys, i guess you'll have to look around my archives and dig them up!! thanks for stopping by and partaking of my useless drivel
DeleteThis is so fun! I even followed the link to Alice ;)
ReplyDeleteP.S. Ferrets are awesome. :0)
yep. i was nominated for "Sexiest Ferret on da Planet" 11 times!!! well, i put myself up for nomination, but you'd be surprised at all the support i wuz able to drum up!!
DeleteSomeday Alice will regret what she's done. Will she eventually find another satirical ferret with whom to be in a faux fb relationship? Highly unlikely. So hold your furry head up high and know you gave it your best wiggle. (@lizamartz)
ReplyDeleteI think you and Alice make a perfect faux couple. Cheer up Sam. There are plenty of tarts a poppin out there.
ReplyDeleteBest way to recover from failed faux relationship is to start another, Sammy. Gotta get right back on the faux ferret fling horse. @burningbushblog
ReplyDelete