“Sam is inconsolable. I'm leaving him with you” said the pet human. “he has been moping around da house, he won't write. He's watched cartoon planet on the sofa for 24 hours straight, and the cat called him a freak” I was unceremoniously disposed of at the therapist's office. I think the pet human made a dash for the car just a little too delighted by the prospect of getting rid of me. I detected a bit of skip there.
“Come on Sam” she said, “You can't just lay there, you have to say something. Talk to me”
“You are the last person I want to talk to” I said.
“Now, Sammy. That wasn't nice”
Defensively, like any good therapy patient, I said, “You're not supposed to attack me, I'm vulnerable. What do I pay you for, anyway?”
“You haven't paid me in months!” she said “Now come on, tell me what's wrong”
So I launched into my story:
“Well, I started an imaginary business on my blog. I offer to be a fake boyfriend on Facebook. You know, go on people's Facebook, and flirt, and make pet humans jealous. I even found a bossomy woman, wif big a bosom who had a ferret in her bosom and posted that on the faux business ad to drum up faux customers”
|did i say bosom?|
“You offered a... You did this? Ha! That's funny. So creative..... Eeerrrr, well, And how's that working out?” she prompted me. (link to faux business ad: http://samuelclemons.blogspot.com/2011_03_01_archive.html )
“Well, nobody actually took me up on it. It was mostly a satirical thing. I was making fun of a service, I did get one gal who wanted to put me down as her “In a relationship With” status.. you know, just as a joke
“I didn't mind, it was just a way to poke fun at some other outfit, so I said sure. Her name was Alice....
“And then the other day, I got a Text: 'Dear Sam, I am getting questions from pet human clients about dating a... well.. I have to take you off my Facebook status'
“And I didn't really think anything of it. I hadn't exactly kept my end of the bargain. I didn't go on Facebook and make any of her friends jealous, I didn't post any sexy ferret one liners....I didn't say 'hey baby, wanna wiggle' or anything juicy. Besides, I think her clients may have questioned her sanity. So at first I was O.K.
“Until that dreadful moment when I heard the Verizon Commercial. You know the one? Where the gal says: 'Any second now, she's gonna learn her boyfriend has changed his relationship status, wait for it, 3, 2, 1 ….and then the girl shrieks!!!!!!
“That really hit me. Maybe Alice was embarassed to be seen wif a ferret? Maybe I really cost her clients, they think she's a nut and I'm a loser? Maybe I'm not good enough? Maybe I will cause the very fabric of the Universe to be rent asunder, and worlds will collide!!! But, but, what hit me? I realised I'd been dumped... or was gonna be dumped. I've never been dumped. And even if I were to be dumped, I'd never gotten a text beforehand that I might be dumped.
"I got the Pre Dump Explanation Text Dump Prior to being Facebook Relationship Status Changed Dump ...it's been terrible, I can't write, the cat and dog want me to leave and find my own apartment, I haven't had a bath in what, like 12 hours? and now I have to come here and talk to you, and miss all my Scooby Doo episodes” I finished with that. I figured i'd put the self pity trip on the therapist for good measure.
She said: “OK. Let me get this straight. You had a fake service.....”
“Satirical... or faux” I interrupted her.
She continued: “You had a faux service you never had any intention of really offering, that you used as a literary device. A friend of yours and you thought it would be funny to post each other as “In a Relationship With” on Facebook, but really were not in a relationship. So you had a faux relationship with a faux girlfriend, to discontinue this errr. faux status, she texted you ahead of time, and even told you this, so as not to surprise you, which is more than most people would do for a real relationship, even though it never existed in the first place? Is that what you are telling me? And now you are upset over this, and watching Scooby Doo for 24 hours straight, and driving the Pet Human and the Cat crazy, and you think this is normal Sam?”
“Well when you put it that way, I guess it's not all that bad. I haven't gone onto Facebook. For all I know, Alice hasn't even changed her status. Thanks for listening.”
I skipped out, once again without paying her.
pls leave your twitter handle in the body of the comment, if you so chose to leave a comment
follow my faux girlfriend on Twitter: http://twitter.com/AliceMartin8
how shopping got me into family counseling
fake girlfriend troubles