More Likes than any critter on da planet

my plan is simple: i will get more facebook "likes" than any critter in da Universe.

now, now, don't go to thinkin' "uh, oh. another of Sam's crackpot schemes...like dat time he attempted to corner the Pop Tart Market during the hurricane"  no, this one will work, i'm tellin' ya!!

i figure dat lil button on facebook is addictive.  we log in, and wanna see how many folks have mentioned us, or "liked" us, and stopped by for tea.  it's irresistible, we are compelled to click dat lil red button!

but not me.  by not clicking it, i have found that it keeps going up and up and up... the possibilities are endless... i'm going for a gazilliontrillion likes, to see if the lil red box get's any bigger, or facebook just tries to crowd the figure into the same sized box... kinda like wondering if the Odometer on the car really goes up to a million

this just in, Mary my detractor:  "But Sam, it doesn't mean you have any more likes, only that you are saving them all up?"

Oh, Mary, you and your tractors.  at least i am resisting the urge to click dat button!

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these kids are trying to get ferrets legalised in California
http://www.indiegogo.com/TheFerretSquad

the pre facebook dump text dump

“Sam is inconsolable. I'm leaving him with you” said the pet human. “he has been moping around da house, he won't write. He's watched cartoon planet on the sofa for 24 hours straight, and the cat called him a freak” I was unceremoniously disposed of at the therapist's office. I think the pet human made a dash for the car just a little too delighted by the prospect of getting rid of me. I detected a bit of skip there.

“Come on Sam” she said, “You can't just lay there, you have to say something. Talk to me”

“You are the last person I want to talk to” I said.

“Now, Sammy. That wasn't nice”

Defensively, like any good therapy patient, I said, “You're not supposed to attack me, I'm vulnerable. What do I pay you for, anyway?” 

“You haven't paid me in months!” she said “Now come on, tell me what's wrong”

So I launched into my story:

“Well, I started an imaginary business on my blog. I offer to be a fake boyfriend on Facebook. You know, go on people's Facebook, and flirt, and make pet humans jealous. I even found a bossomy woman, wif big a bosom who had a ferret in her bosom and posted that on the faux business ad to drum up faux customers” 

did i say bosom?

“You offered a... You did this? Ha! That's funny. So creative.....  Eeerrrr, well, And how's that working out?” she prompted me.  (link to faux business ad: http://samuelclemons.blogspot.com/2011_03_01_archive.html )

“Well, nobody actually took me up on it. It was mostly a satirical thing. I was making fun of a service, I did get one gal who wanted to put me down as her “In a relationship With” status.. you know, just as a joke

“I didn't mind, it was just a way to poke fun at some other outfit, so I said sure. Her name was Alice....

“And then the other day, I got a Text: 'Dear Sam, I am getting questions from pet human clients about dating a... well.. I have to take you off my Facebook status'

“And I didn't really think anything of it. I hadn't exactly kept my end of the bargain.  I didn't go on Facebook and make any of her friends jealous, I didn't post any sexy ferret one liners....I didn't say 'hey baby, wanna wiggle'  or anything juicy. Besides, I think her clients may have questioned her sanity.  So at first I was O.K. 

“Until that dreadful moment when I heard the Verizon Commercial. You know the one? Where the gal says: 'Any second now, she's gonna learn her boyfriend has changed his relationship status, wait for it, 3, 2, 1 ….and then the girl shrieks!!!!!!

“That really hit me. Maybe Alice was embarassed to be seen wif a ferret? Maybe I really cost her clients, they think she's a nut  and I'm a loser?  Maybe I'm not good enough? Maybe I will cause the very fabric of the Universe to be rent asunder, and worlds will collide!!! But, but, what hit me? I realised I'd been dumped... or was gonna be dumped. I've never been dumped.  And even if I were to be dumped, I'd never gotten a text beforehand that I might be dumped. 

"I got the Pre Dump Explanation Text Dump Prior to being Facebook Relationship Status Changed Dump ...it's been terrible, I can't write, the cat and dog want me to leave and find my own apartment, I haven't had a bath in what, like 12 hours? and now I have to come here and talk to you, and miss all my Scooby Doo episodes” I finished with that. I figured i'd put the self pity trip on the therapist for good measure.

She said: “OK. Let me get this straight. You had a fake service.....”

“Satirical... or faux” I interrupted her.

She continued: “You had a faux service you never had any intention of really offering, that you used as a literary device. A friend of yours and you thought it would be funny to post each other as “In a Relationship With” on Facebook, but really were not in a relationship. So you had a faux relationship with a faux girlfriend,  to  discontinue this errr. faux status,   she texted you ahead of time, and even told you this, so as not to surprise you, which is more than most people would do for a real relationship, even though it never existed in the first place?  Is that what you are telling me? And now you are upset over this, and watching Scooby Doo for 24 hours straight, and driving the Pet Human and the Cat crazy, and you think this is normal Sam?”

“Well when you put it that way, I guess it's not all that bad. I haven't gone onto Facebook. For all I know, Alice hasn't even changed her status.  Thanks for listening.”

I skipped out, once again  without paying her. 

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follow my faux girlfriend on Twitter: http://twitter.com/AliceMartin8 

http://www.indiegogo.com/TheFerretSquad

how shopping got me into family counseling

fake girlfriend troubles

Where DO these rumors start?

i've been accused of being a narcissist on occasion.  i'm working on dat. i can't help it everyone wuvs me.  since the entire Universe revolves around me, it's hard to argue with the facts.

i've been accused of being a slacker, that one is also probably true.  the more the editors and publishers call for my work, the more i hang up on them, and laugh.  they're  drunks and perverts, ask them.

all kinds of rumors swell to a raging inferno, and i don't do anything to dispel them, "is Sam insane?"  "does he really have twin masseuses"  "does he actually drink blueberry juice"  -  ha! let the world wonder

there was that rumor, properly expounded upon herein where i wuz supposedly the father of one "Sam da Ferret" where i posted the dubious birth certificate.

but this latest rumor is sleazy, maybe it's even ruinous, detrimental to my reputation.  so i have taken the time today to actually address this rumor, face it head-on, and not let it fester....

it started with a facebook posting of a hedgehog (name withheld to protect the unbearably cute from rabid packs of wild fans)

and oh yea, it's on baby! i'm calling out the guilty party on this one.  i know those rumor mongers like to practice their nefarious arts in secret, whisper campaigns after all don't work well when the whisperer is exposed.  wild rumors cloak themselves clandestinely.  i am obligated therefore to let this one out da bag.

it was Laura Fisher @baisebeige she blatantly started the rumor that i am into eating hedgehogs....

DON'T FAINT!!  don't pass out.  please, maintain your composure here, we run a decent, family oriented blog.  some righteous indignation is probably ok, but don't write your congressperson just yet.  i can defend myself, and i will.

you might remember Laura from the post i wrote "It's the Small Pleasures"  in which i let Laura get the last word on a complete bit of insanity (note, most of my posts involve full blown insanity, dysfunctional relatives, or missing socks, so if you were hoping it was going to get better, it doesn't)

Laura posted the hedgehog pic on her facebook, and then dragged me through the toilet bowl, and all the ensuing vortex of rumors that might swell around such flushing, to wit:   It also says owls and FERRETS are natural predators! Samuel Clemons Please, oh please, tell me it ain't true!

such guile, such manipulation, Laura.  i know your kind.  you hide behind the caveat of rationalisation, i know.  "tell me it ain't true" ha! so you've forced me to defend myself.  i have to write a blog post now, just to maintain my own righteous indignation, one of the many indulgences that will most likely cause me to call my therapist.

let me set the record straight.  wild ferrets such as the Roaming Gypsy Hippy Black Footed Ferrets who practice the Way of the Great Pop Tart, yes they eat prairie dogs.  (when visiting, i prefer mine wif mustard) ....OK, I SAID IT!! they eat prairie dogs.  cute eats cute out there in the wild west.  hey, i've heard of worse.  

Ferrets are Carnivores

ferrets are carnivores ok!  but some of us are cultured, refined, above the mere lusts and cravings of mortal critters.  i for one come from a great line of ratters.  we chased rats, and if we cornered them, we'd eat them.  but i don't chase rats.  i've sought treatment for my problems, i've attended a 12 step program, i admit i HAD a problem, but i've overcome the rat addiction.

is it demeaning to defend myself? maybe.  but here goes:  i have become a reformed ferret.  i have made friends wif da mice.  on cold nights harold stumbles across the living room, and in his cups, can't find his way home.  harold often makes his way to my hammock, and curls up.  he doesn't feel threatened, and i don't even want to eat Harold.  we've become buddies.

Harold Sometimes Drinks Too Much

as to the nasty rumors that i eat hedgehogs?  well, i hope i have defended myself, nay, acquitted myself. 

and if anyone sees dat Laura around, pls tell her that i am a civilised ferret

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support legalisation in california http://www.indiegogo.com/TheFerretSquad
 

He Panicked

"sammy, i did it, i pressed the panic button"

"panic button?  that is a literary device or verbal expression, Uncle Freddie.  it doesn't really exist."

"oh, yes it does.  they are real"

"i'm just having my coffee, Fred, come on!" i whined, "hazelnut, wif a touch o' cinnamon. can you call me back later?"

"I AM TELLING YOU THERE IS A REAL PANIC BUTTON!!" he yelled into the phone. "hold one sec, Sammy, my boy, the cops are here"

i heard an authoritarian voice in the background, "we would have gotten here sooner, but my partner had to finish his coffee... vanilla bean with a couple shots  of caramel.  what seems to be the problem?" apparently, Uncle Freddie didn't bother to cover the mouthpiece of his iPhone

"i was on my way to the Corcoran.  i'm meeting a lady there, and i forgot to stop and get a morning sip o' coffee" said Uncle Freddie.

Corcoran DC No Art Had Coffee Spilled on it in the writing of this blog

"you pressed the Panic Button for this?" said the Policeman, "we were busy, ah...we were on an assignment..." he backtracked "are you a tourist?"

"tourist? i own dis town!" Uncle Freddie indignantly declared

"Sir, the Taxi Panic Button is NOT, i repeat NOT for us to deliver your coffee!" said the cop, pausing, then, "hey Larry, this guy pressed the panic button because he wanted coffee" apparently talking to his partner.

in the background, "i don't blame him" the voice approached "what flavor do you fancy, sir?" now this new voice entered the fray

"chocolate mocha, wif whipped, and a just a  pinch o' sugar, my vice of course" said Freddie

Larry, the partner could be heard to say "mmmm, that sounds delish. i'll have to try that"

"Uncle Freddie, there is a panic button in the Cab? this wasn't a joke?"

"no, Sammy.  it took the cops a while to show up, but at least it works.  i wanted to be one of the first to test it.  i love this" said Freddie  (article)

"well, try to keep your alerts for the cops, and don't bother me with the details, please?" i said. 

finally speaking up, the cabby,  broke in with: "what do i do?" supplicating to the cops for advice, directions, or permission to proceed

i heard the first cop ask the cabby, before i hung up: "what kind of coffee do you drink?"   

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follow the CorcoranDC at  http://twitter.com/corcoranDC


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