Friday, March 16, 2012

no way sweetheart

i was in one of my moods.  under no circumstances was i going to entertain the pet humans for cheap what-nots and snuggles. no way sweetheart, find someone else to make your day.

i took the pet human to the mall first, and didn't ~wiggle~  and then to the office supply joint to pick up some paper.  any self respecting swashbuckling pirate wizard writer ferret needs a few reams of paper.  no snuggles there, too stuffy, too business like for my sullen attitude. nope, wasn't gonna' do it

rolling my eyes, we pulled into the grocer.  "i am doing as the therapist suggests sammy, and i am not buying anything but eggs and bread today"

i might as well have been left in the car.  if i can't buy what i want, why bring me? doesn't the world revolve around me?

"OH MY GOODNESS IT'S SAM!!"  the high pitched voice was shocking on the best of days, today it was an instant assault upon my lil 'ol skullbones.... she tried to entice me wif a plastic pack of something or other.

the pet human said, "sammy's not himself"

"oh, really?" as she gave me a cheek pinch.

the grocery manager came over, with a shiny wrapper.  "here sammy, your favorite"

i gave a tiny ~wiggle~  only by the hardest

"IT'S THE MOST FAMOUS FERRET ON THE PLANET!!!" another clerk, who slobbered me wif a kiss

i gave two ~wiggles~

then a spinny move as i jumped on the pet human's shoulder.  a remarkable effort, as it involved the physical combined wif da spiritual -  impressing all of the humans with my gymnast's skills - they all smiled and laughed as i made their collective day. i was back to my normal self

proving once again, that happiness is a choice we must keep on making, over and over, moment by moment

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Friday, March 9, 2012

The Heart of a Champion

Victor galloped a thousand strides, stopping only occasionally to let out a low, echoing bark, and trotting onward.  Finally stopping on the edge of a wide hollow, looking down at the stream, across to the other side, his view was fantastic.  Surveying the panorama was one of his greatest joys,  some serenity found in casting his sniffs over nature's scene.


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"don't move, i've almost got it"  i told BigFoot, i was on his shoulder changing the lightbulb.

"i could do it, Sam, if i am really gentle, by myself.  there seem to be a few scones missing from the kitchen"

"really?  i have just taken them out of the oven, Squatch"

"it wasn't me, it was Victor"  lied Marvin, his tongue wiping his lips back and forth giving away not only the offender, but also a tall tale teller all at once.

"Victor, huh?"  said Squatch.  "Sam, someone's coming up the drive. It sounds like the Sheriff"

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The Giant Mastiff swung around, heading back to the Colonel's Dale.  With a  relaxed gait, Victor could hear a step, sense a presence ahead of him.  He smelled Marvin, and detected a noise in the woods, as if he were struggling.
As Victor found him, Marvin was scratched about the ears from wriggling thru thistles, panting from his long run, no match at all for Victor.

"And what are you doing out here?" asked Victor.  "You are a mess, Marvin.  You look like the woods have gotten the better of ya!"

"I wanted to follow you, Victor, to be like you...to see where you go all by yourself"  said lil Marv, as Victor licked the tiny dog's wounds, and smiled, just a bit.

"Well, you're  lucky I found you, and one day, we'll go to my special spot,  when there's more time.  For now, I hate to disappoint you, Marvin, but I am already headed home."


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Size 24 and I peered through the curtains.  it wasn't the Sheriff, instead, it was deputy Rollins, his simpleton sidekick.  "Looks like we'll have to put on some tea, Squatch"

As the car door (s) slammed shut outside, i immediately knew there was another person, and the "Oh this is really a beautiful place, Mr. Rollins" sang out, a woman's voice!    Squatch and I went wide eyed.  "You sit on the sofa, and just be normal. Don't do anything weird".  He was petrified.

My door is always flung wide, so we heard the footsteps approach, which sent Size 24 to the sofa.  His legs sprawled into the middle of the room.  "Sam, I brought you a visitor from town. Knock knock"  said Rollins.

As the tall lean Deputy entered, followed by a college aged woman, dressed in jeans, and printed silk shirt, she let out a rather shocked: "OH MY GOD! What is that?"

"What is what?" I replied.

Pointing at Bigfoot, "That?"

Me: "Oh, that's just Bob.  And whom might you be?"

"B..Bob?" she stammered, gathering her wits, "I am.. " i knew, when confronted with the impossibly implausible, we must dare the adversary to accept the improbable.

"I'm Sarah.  The Deputy offered to show me where you lived" she managed.

Rollins grinned big, the hero of the day.

"Well, Sarah you found me! Let's go into the kitchen, shall we?"  she had to step over piles of books and manuscripts scattered about.



As we crossed the entryway, 'Bob' skedaddled out of the burrow, and into the woods, silently and stealthy. 


________________________________________________


Marvin, slowed Victor as they made their way back to the Dale.  Marvin's little strides just wore him out, the scratches started to close up, making it painful to walk at all.  Victor stopped numerous times, patiently, and finally just scooped Marvin up in his giant jaws, and carried him oh so ingloriously, most of the way back.

"Put me down, please"  squeaked the younger of the two.  "Victor, I want to explain...." Marvin wanted to confess about some missing scones.

"Now, now, Marvin, my dear boy.  You don't worry yourself about any of this." As he fluffed up the beagle, and licked at his ears and legs a bit, to get the blood circulating again.

Marvin: "I wanted to tell you about......"

Victor:  "No.  Not now, Marvin, we are going to walk into that dale, and yard, and I'm going to let you lead the way, OK?  So let's go"

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Sarah, Rollins and I after pouring tea, walked into the living room, and she asked, "Where's Bob?"

"Bob who?"

Just as a long howl was heard not far off, and a mighty bark together, two returning hounds. 

The three of us watched from the stoop, as two figures emerged from the woods, and entered the dale.   A huge dog by any standard, Victor inexplicably was behind the  scratched up beat up, worn out Marvin, both heads proudly held high, the Mastiff's as ever, the Beagle's from sheer determination.

"The little one seems to have been through a war" said Sarah.

As they approached, I asked Victor,  "So how are things, Vic?  How'd you find that little rascal?  How is he?"

Marvin fairly beamed as Victor said: "He is a true champion, Sam.  A true champion"

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ever wondered how I found Bigfoot? : http://samuelclemons.blogspot.com/2011/02/i-found-bigfoot.html

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Ami loved Victor so much, I thought I'd recount this story for her, follow her on Twitter at http://twitter.com/museinks





Monday, February 20, 2012

Unleash The Hounds!


We couldn't believe our luck. Big Foot, Harriet and I had finally rounded up the dogs and begged them to stop running. All day we'd been forging through the woods, behind the dogs, who'd gotten the scent of a deer, then a rabbit, the occasional squirrel.



Out of breath, streaked with sweat, even Big Foot was panting. The dogs were laying down, napping in a state of weariness, finally they'd worn themselves out.

I wanted to get back to the cottage, the hole in the hill, Colonel's Dale. I was riding Harriet, and from my vantage point, I called out to Victor, the chief Mastiff: “Vic, are you satisfied, have you had your fun?” 

Victor


“Oh Sam, it was glorious, did you see? We have had a wonderful day!” They  didn't catch anything, or track anything down, all they'd done was chase animals they'd never find.

“I saw, Victor. Now which way is the Dale?”

Victor looked around, back and forth, sniffed the air in an oh so serious manner and promptly fell asleep.

Never one to miss a nap, I curled up on Harriet's forehead, between her ears.


The lot of us had gathered our second wind as evening came, with Victor walking out in front, the rest of his pack looking to stretch their strides again, yet loyal to the pack, limited by their instinct to follow their leader. We came up to the Dale, and then the cottage, Victor pacing us. He'd found my cottage after all, a pleasantness began to settle over me, a cup of tea beckoned from within.

Big Foot went off into the woods, Harriet made her way into the Barn, I heard the familiar voice of Uncle Freddie, as if he'd had a cocktail or two.

Stumbling through the stoop, he shouted, a bit too loud: “Good to see ya, Sammy!!” Victor and the pack made their way in to the cottage, dogs akimbo, sprawling on my sofas, leather chairs, everywhere were floppy ears, and stretched limbs. All of them made themselves quite at home, proud of their day's achievements, comfortable.

Wiggling  to the kitchen, I put on the tea kettle, and pulled a tin of blueberry scones. I was thinking of a couple of tweets I could send out about this day's adventures. So nice to be home after wandering the woods.

An ear splitting sound rocked my bliss. Uncle Freddie was blasting the hunting horn, a gift from the Roving Black Footed Ferrets of the Prairie. Of a sudden motion, every single dog started barking and howling, and carrying on. Leading the noise was Victor, that beast!! 

What a noise, Uncle Freddie blasting the horn, the dogs, all on their feet, noses lifted ceilingward as they barked, howled, and raised the roof.

“Unleash the Hounds!!!!!!!!!” Uncle Freddie cried at the top of his lungs, a throwback to a mid-evil world as if he were the chief huntsman. Freddie flung open the door, raising his glass all a flourish,  and yelled again: “UNLEASH THE HOUNDS!!!!!! and out they went, the youngest pup, Marvin,  who after spinning his paws on the entry way, thought better of it all, and decided home is where the blueberry scones are.  Off the rest leaped, into the woods, into the dark of night, on a mission they knew not where. It'd be hours before they realised they didn't even know what they were chasing.

Marvin Aint No Fool


“Size 24, Harriet and I spent all day chasing those dogs.”

To which Uncle Freddie tipsily replied, “I needed a place to sit” 
 

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Wednesday, February 8, 2012

The Biggest News of the Day


Geraldo Moustache Rivera was once a fine attorney. He sat in his office listening to the police scanner, and raced to the scene of automobile accidents. Very opportunistic. Having tried his luck at being a shyster he went into Journalism. Then TV. Then he wrote a tell all book where he confessed to having sex with anything that moved. Quite a career. So I have learned that one has to be pretty fast getting to the good stories before the attorney/journalists.

So it is wif my Twitter Attorney, @PiperBayard who is now a professional belly dancer, blogger, and story chaser. One time I was gonna do a story on the lost pygmies of Borneo - I get to Borneo, she's in the jungle teaching them how to surf the Internet.  Then I was gonna send my Uncle Freddie to Sweden to do a story on hot new massage techniques... He get's off the plane, and to his first appointment: There's @PiperBayard soaking in the hot tub!!

So it goes in the rough and tumble world of the sleuth. We eat our own young if we have to. Let alone our attorney. (Officially, I don't think they are edible) Her headline today? Marriage Proposals and Bass Boats. http://piperbayard.wordpress.com/2012/02/08/marriage-proposals-and-bass-boats-the-love-doctors/  I mean, how was I to compete wif dat???? So I went out and scoured the entire Internet. Searched 54 Billion pages, did a quick speed read, and found a couple of hot topics.

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Absolutely Shocking!! hard to fathom the depravity of some pet humans!!

no, they are not streaking across golf courses, no they are not TIVOing American Idol, no, even worse!! 19,000 have “Liked” a Facebook page of In Bread Cats!!!

IN BREAD CATS ARE HOT ON THE INTERNET




And their Counterpart, which only has 20 “Likes” STOP INBREAD CATS http://www.facebook.com/pages/Stop-inbread-cats/279411745404122 has some catching up to do.

It is interesting to note that "STOP INBREAD CATS"   A.  Is not very popular and B. Has absolutely no problem using a cat in a piece of bread on his Facebook.

And of course, we can't be too high brow here, so a little story that is more mainstream:

MAN SAYS RETRIEVER STRANGLED HIS WIFE 




yea, blame the lovely dog. The author of that story is right. This guy should get extra time, just for saying the doggy did it.

I also beat @PiperBayard on this one:

MAN ESCAPES ZOMBIES BUT NOT THE COPS


(Reuters) - South African police have arrested a suspected fraudster for impersonating the award-winning traditional singer Khulekani Kwakhe "Mgqumeni" Khumalo, who died in 2009.
The unnamed man, who appeared in court in the eastern KwaZulu-Natal province on Tuesday, had said he had not died but was kidnapped by a witchdoctor who cast a spell on him and imprisoned him in a cave with zombies, local media reported.
Thousands of people in Khumalo's rural eastern home village of Esiggumeni, turned out to see the man at the weekend. Riot police with truncheons and water cannons were deployed to keep the crowd under control.
"I have always been alive," he was quoted as telling the crowd by the Independent Online news site. "I have lost a lot of weight but it is me."
Police said the suspect's fingerprints do not match those of the famed singer. The man also does not have the same scars on his face as Khumalo had.
"Detectives conducting the enquiry were convinced that the matter required criminal investigation," police said in a statement. (Ed Note: chuckle, chuckle)

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p.s.  also, so you don't think you can outwit her.  I once asked PiperBayard: "Have you lived in Colorado all your life?"  she replied:  "Not Yet"


Sunday, February 5, 2012

Shopping Got Me Into Family Counseling

 I have found pet humans to be quite entertaining if they can't find a way to lower the volume. We were at an important pet human meeting a couple of weeks ago which conflicted at that very moment, with Scooby Doo on Cartoon Network.  One of my favorites!!  I cranked up the volume, and voila'

  That was the end of that meeting.

I was not happy to miss the finale of the show. To console me, the pet human said: “Don't give me that look, Sammy.  Not once in the history of Scooby Doo, have he and Shaggy NOT found the bad guy... you know how it ends” … still, it's nice to know whether the dastardly deed was done by the caretaker or the old man in town dressed in a wig.

Today, I found myself in da therapist's office for what is called: “family counseling” wif my pet human. Not as spiffy as my therapist's office, but not bad. I kept my eye on da tv remote on her sofa armrest, in case I wanted to nibble the mute button.

The therapist to pet human: “We've covered this before. You and Sammy should not go shopping together. Are ferrets even allowed in stores?”

Pet Human: “They make exceptions for Sam”

Yea, right. The pet human likes an audience. I ham it up for the cashiers.

Therapist: “There was that time he talked you into cornering the market on Pop Tarts, and you overdrew your bank account, and I had to calm you down over the phone”



The tv remote was looking mighty good. I knew I wuz missing re runs of Sienfeld.

Pet Human: “He convinced me that we would get rich, you know, supply and demand.”

Therapist: “Or the time he influenced you to buy all the plastic spoons, because he likes to play with them, and you realized you really can't do anything with a closet full of plastic spoons”

The therapist saw me looking toward the TV remote, probably confused that I was paying her rapt attention.   

Pet Human: “I can't eat ice cream with them, they break off in  the carton, but they work once it softens up a bit”

I couldn't believe these two. The dog and cat aren't forced to endure such madness.

Human: “He conned me into it this time. I said I was going to 7-11, and he jumped in the car, and threatened to crawl into the back, and I'd never find him”

Therapist: “You need to establish boundaries with Sam”

This was the part where Cramer talks Jerry into peeing in the parking lot, they couldn't find the car, and Jerry get's belayed by Security.  I knew I  was missing it.

Human: “Then somehow, he urged me toward the grocer instead of 7-11”

Therapist: “It would also help if you set a budget before you leave the house”

I wiggled into the therapist's lap, gave her a snuggle, she responded with a noticeable, albeit small smirk, almost a smile, a very small one. 

Ascentmindedly, she stroked my white fur, gently, as I eyed the remote.

Human: “And when we got there, he just kept saying: 'dat one, dat one, dat one'  in a very insistent tone”

Therapist: “We all want to take care of those we love” she was now on my side, some therapist.

So I snagged the TV remote, without too much fuss, and lept off the sofa arm.

Human: “And he wouldn't stop. 'Dat one. Dat one....and dat one' we had three cartloads of stuff, I don't even know what half of it is. I just bought it. It's like he's got mind control tricks”

I found Seinfeld, and cranked up the volume.

Startled, the Therapist thought she could get the remote handily. Instead, I knawed off the volume, and mute buttons for good measure.

That ended the family counseling session. So much for boundaries.

Oh. Cramer, Jerry and Elaine found the car.

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Monday, January 30, 2012

angry dog and greatfulness

this doggy needs therapy.  some puppy zen, maybe a stern "no fido" ...  dogs who act out are not "bad" doggies.  their pet humans just need to establish boundaries, and take leadership of the pack.

   

seems this lil guy had a bone flushed down the commode, and ever since, he's taken his resentment out every time someone flushes.   can't take him to visit the relatives, he might run someone over!!

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  and, @alicemartin8 from Twitter ran across a wonderfully powerful link on "GreatfulNess"  measuring our inner Greatfulness to express an outward Gratitude.  a short read, and really points out a few ways to change our way of thinking during the day.   why mope, and wallow in misery, when we can invoke the great spiritual force of gratitude?



powerful link, bookmark it: http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/2hBOQq/www.charginglife.com/2012/01/30/i-am-so-greatful-the-greatness-in-gratitude/

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another article by me on gratitude:  http://samuelclemons.blogspot.com/2012/01/wiggle-even-for-da-bad-stuff.html

and that "change is within me":  http://samuelclemons.blogspot.com/2011/01/change-is-gonna-do-ya-good.html

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Friday, January 6, 2012

wiggle even for da bad stuff

~wiggle~ in all circumstances. even da bad stuff.  - ferretzen

"sam, do you mean even when i find out i'm gonna die?"  this just in from Mary, my detractor.  great question, Mary. and i still have nothing against tractors.

Mary, we are all gonna die.  it's not "if" we die, but when.  and yes, we can still ~wiggle~

powerful spiritual forces which i discarded or ignored for years are appreciation and gratitude.  what i thought they meant was when someone did something good for me, or was generous, than i should say thankyou.  NO! that's just good manners.

appreciation and gratitude work even in the bad times;  they transcend good manners and work in all circumstances.  we can be miserable, we can isolate, we can sit around really wallow in it.  or we can be appreciative of the moment.  obstacles lead to opportunities.  energy and endorphins are  released in overcoming.

"History has demonstrated that the most notable winners usually encountered heartbreaking obstacles before they triumphed. They finally won because they refused to become discouraged by their defeats. Disappointments acted as a challenge. Don't let difficulties discourage you."  B.C. Forbes, Scottish Financial Journalist

in the Bible, in Thessalonians we read: "In all things give thanks".....  we can find this axiom in almost all cultures, beliefs and throughout history.  no one system has a monopoly on gratitude and appreciation as spiritual forces.  the fact that millions and billions of folks thru the ages have utilised these forces is proof they work.

when the annoyer comes at us today, when the trouble set's in, when the bad news arrives, unlock the power of gratitude;  unleash it's force within you, and give thanks, be appreciative of the opportunity.   be grateful that you have the knowledge of gratitude, if nothing else.  be grateful for the opportunity to grow. 

~wiggle~ even for da bad stuff.

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